𝐍𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐀𝐆𝐀𝐈𝐍, ʰʷᵃⁿᵍ ʰʸᵘⁿʲⁱⁿ

SIXTEEN, voicemail

i brush off their comments, looking at the two notifications on my phone. missed call. voicemail. my knee is bouncing and shaking the table.

"illi, baby, could you stop shaking the table? if you can't, go deal with whatever you have to" i hear my moms voice say. i stare down at my plate, a million and four things running through my head as i do so.

i put another bite of food in my mouth before i bow to my parents and run away from the kitchen table.

i haven't run this fast in god knows how long and before i know it, i'm on my bed. benny sits next to me, bewildered that i had just woken him up. my body flying onto the bed made him jump at least a foot in the air.

my hand soothes him as i unlock my phone with the other one. both of them are shaking as they do their separate tasks. i swipe through my apps until i reach my calls. i click on the voicemail section.

i have two voicemails i haven't listened to.

one from penny from two days ago. and another.

from five minutes ago.

the voicemail is somewhere around 3 minutes long. my finger hovers over the play button. i don't want to press it, but i do, but i don't.

my finger goes back and forth as it circles, until it presses down, hitting the small button on my phone.

"hey, i never expected you to answer my phone call. not even in the slightest. in fact, i'm surprised my number isn't blocked" jaemin's voice leaving my phone speakers makes me get chills up and down my spine. "i just wanted to call you, and apologize." his voice sounds hoarse on the other end.

"apologize, for everything. i don't need you to forgive me and in fact, i don't want you to."

tears flood my eyes as his smooth voice pours from my phone.

i hear him clear his throat. "i have been awful to you, illiad moon" his voice breaks. is he seriously crying?

"i have been so awful to you." he's definitely crying.

my sleeve wipes across my nose. it's damp from both tears and my nose running.

his sobs cloud the voicemail for a second before he clears his throat. he begins speaking again and i just wish i can find it in me to press the pause button.

i cant though. i can't find it in me. i crave hearing him speak.

"i am sorry i didn't give you a proper goodbye," he says, "i am sorry that i just up and left you with nothing."

i'm laying on my back now, staring at my ceiling and imagining he is here next to me speaking. as much as i hate him, i would give the world to see him right now.

"i think about all the times we shared, how much you opened up to me. how much love you gave me when i didn't feel like loving myself" jaemin's voice breaks again and i hear him choke his sobs, pushing them deep inside of him.

"i never deserved it. i never deserved you. nobody in this world deserves you, illiad moon. no one that has ever graced this plane of existence is worthy of your time and effort and the love that  you give" he continues to spew words.