Little Wolves (gxg)

Chapter 11 - Whoops

There are things you believe that you keep to yourself and others that you share. Maybe you don't quite believe them yourself, but you'd like to, because your head is your safe space and whatever goes on up there should be comforting.

I know I was imagining things. Thinking those emotions whispering in the back of my mind were Avery's. In my head, I still believe they were hers. Am I being delusional? Have I lost my mind?

I don't think so, but maybe the denial is a defense mechanism.

People can't feel what others are feeling. I've always wanted to believe in the supernatural, or rather, tell myself I believe in that stuff, but when it comes down to it, that stuff just feels so far-away from reality. Like, sure, theoretically it could happen but this is the real world where only real things happen and no matter how many times my gut tells me I'm picking up on Avery's emotions I still won't fully believe it.

How could I? The fear of being delusional is so strong I can't get past it.

I let myself believe it for the rest of the cookout at the Auden's. I didn't put much thought into it, I guess. Something about being around Avery just made all that stuff feel normal. It wasn't until we left that reality came crashing down on me.

I started crying when we got home. I couldn't even get myself to take off my makeup first. Everything just kind of came out and I curled up in the dark and balled my eyes out on the cold bathroom floor.

The wolves started howling not soon after. I had left my window open so I could hear them loud and clear. They howled for as long as I cried. Incessantly and rather sadly. It started with just one. A powerful, lonesome howl. Then two smaller ones joined in.

I stood up and walked to my window. Peering out, I saw them at the edge of the forest, hidden in the shadows. Three, with one big one in the middle and two smaller, adolescent-looking wolves on either side. A weird longing nestled itself into the middle of my chest.

I stared harshly with my jaw clenched at the three wolves. My heart was reaching out to them, whispering to me to go with them, but I knew it was grief talking. The post-cry, nothing-is-real talking. I would never actually run into the woods with a bunch of wolves.

The middle one stopped howling and its stare settled straight into mine—I swear it. Its golden eyes pierced mine and the only thought that came to my mind was Avery.

How am I supposed to deal with these feelings?

I feel like I'm going crazy. This little voice in my head telling me to go run away with the wolves. Making me feel like the wolf I'm staring at right now is familiar. That I've met it before. Have I finally lost it? Maybe I died before we moved here and my brain is making up this insane dream to comfort me on my way out.

I looked up, towards the half-full moon, and goosebumps prickled my skin. My hair stood on end like it was trying to grow right on out of my body. Gosh, I yearned to be outside. I yearned to run straight into those woods and not question it. I really wished I could.

I settled my stare back onto the golden-eyed wolf and saw she was now alone. The two smaller wolves had left. She was still staring at me as if she was begging me to listen to that voice, begging me to let myself run away with her, to follow the feeling. To trust the moon's subtle plea.

I sighed and told myself I was being stupid. Switching my gaze between the eyes of the wolf, I said my goodbyes in my head, and returned to the dark bathroom. I fumbled around and found the makeup wipes in the dark, cleaning my face before I laid down to sleep.

Maybe I really am in a dream. 

It sure feels that way.

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