Hoping For Snow (Jake Madden)

10: Astronauts

No one tried to find me after I blew up at the ballet show. I don't blame them; I wouldn't want to go after someone that was ungrateful for the gifts she was getting. Honestly, Amy is right. I am ungrateful for the gifts I'm getting, and that isn't a good thing. The thing about it, though, is the fact that no one is telling me anything. My sister, my best friend, is hiding this away from me, just because Jake probably asked her to. 

Running my fingers through my recently straightened hair, I pull the tangles out. In front of me, the school is decorated with Christmas decorations, like trees, string lights, and fake snow. People mill around me at school while I'm having a mental breakdown. They don't even give me second glances. They already know that I stick to the walls, where I am not seen. Gritting my teeth together, I stop myself from letting the tears leak out of my eyes. I don't want them to see me in my moment of weakness. 

I decided not to go to the school's Christmas festival without Jake and my friends. I think they figured that out when I wasn't at the house early this morning, but I haven't gotten any texts from them. I'm praying that I won't see them here. I don't know what I'd do if they did show up. I don't think I could talk to them.

When Jake asked me if I was alright two nights ago, I told him how I was feeling. He knows that I don't like what's going on, and he is still acting on it. A shard of pain settles in my heart at that thought. Hartley knows my feelings about Christmas and about surprises, and she still agreed to do this. I'm not sure if Amy cares or if Colby knows, so I can't blame them (at least, I can't blame Colby). But the two that know me the most knows that this isn't something I like, and they won't stop. 

I know I'm overreacting. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath. It seems like I overreact about everything, but I can't help it. Hartley and Jake aren't listening to me. Grandma always focuses on what Hartley does and leaves me alone. Amy isn't that much of a fan of me even though we're more similar than her and Hartley. And then there's Colby, who is caught up in his own things being younger and the chosen kid. I'm always second-best to everyone else, and I'm tired of it. 

I need to stop dwelling in my feelings. This is dangerous for me. The last time this happened was when I was sick. I spiraled into feelings of despair and sadness then, and that's what is happening again. When this happened last time, I nearly succumbed to my bad feelings. I was afraid I wasn't going to make it, that I was going to die when I had my whole life ahead of me. Now, I'm afraid that I ruined all of my most important relationships because of my insecurities. 

But are they insecurities? I don't like surprises because my sickness was a surprise to me. I'm not heard because I don't speak up enough. Grandma seems afraid of me, like I will fall sick again, so she focuses on Hartley more. I haven't had enough time to get to know Amy. Colby is always doing his own thing. All of these things stem back to me, and I need to do something to change it. How do I do that, though? It takes a lot to change myself, and what if I don't want to? I'm perfectly fine being the wallflower in my own life. 

Maybe there are a few things I need to change. I should work on being heard and seen, and then I can see where that takes me. The others need to work on seeing me for me, though. Otherwise, this won't work. 

I open my eyes, feeling a little better about my situation. I'm still confused as to why Jake decided to give me gifts during the twelve days before Christmas. I'm also confused about my feelings for him. Pressing my back against the metal lockers, I watch as a happy couple walks hand-in-hand, pointing out all of the cute Christmas things here at the school's Christmas festival. My cheeks burn when I remember how we kissed two nights ago. He admitted his feelings for me, and so did I. And then we kissed . . . 

My mind gets stuck on that thought as I replay the kiss. The way his hand slid down from my cheek to my neck, the way he kissed me gently, and the way he hid what he was actually doing from me. Through all of the butterflies, I can feel anger. I'm mad at Jake because he didn't tell me anything about what he's doing when he's the one who planned it all. 

Sighing, I blow a piece of hair out of my eyes. While I'm here, I should probably buy a few more Christmas presents. I haven't had time to create any more art to be presents, and I don't want to disappoint people more than I already have. Pushing off of the wall, I walk toward one of the lonelier tables, smiling softly when I see small Santas. Picking one up, I look it over. The Santa looks like a regular Santa, so I set it back down, knowing that no one would like that. 

The person behind the table is holding a small white box. "Um, miss?" she says, her voice quiet against the roar of students and parents around us. I lean forward as she holds the box out for me to grab. I do so with a frown. Opening it, I gasp. There are ten intricately detailed astronauts sitting in the box. "That boy told me to give them to you."

I turn around and follow her pointing. A large group passes across my vision, but once they clear, I see Jake standing there, a sorry look on his face. My heart thuds against my chest as we stare at each other, and sadness runs through my veins. If I hadn't blown up at him and everyone else, we would have been here together. Jake and I might have even been together together. But everything changed, all because of me. I don't think things will go back to the way they once were now that my feelings were out in the open, and that scares me.