✅ A Dose of Humiliation

61. Maternal Instincts

Mum was more helpful than I had expected. Once I'd calmed down a little, she asked if I wanted to see the details of the drugs I had been given. They had one of those little cards as well, of course. Mum hadn't read up on the details of what the intensity boosters would do, but she wanted to know more now. And she didn't care for the line that said I shouldn't know what I was being subjected to; we all knew that this wasn't a punishment anymore.

"The card that Becker gave us," she said. "There's a barcode on the bottom that you can scan with your phone, and it'll tell you about the effects of the intensity booster. I'm going to read it now, I never thought I'd need to. Do you want to read it too? Or I could tell you what it says..."

"I already read it," I explained. "I know I probably shouldn't have seen it. But it's one of the three that Serena has to choose from. She asked us to look at the cards and pick for her, because she wants it to be a surprise."

"I thought her father didn't believe in punishment?" Mum sounded confused then, "And why does she get her own choice? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of a punishment?" So I had to explain about my friend's situation as well. I didn't say anything about Serena wanting to be punished; that would only make it harder for Mum to trust her in future. But I told her that Serena had pepper sprayed Todd Becker – leaving out the reason why – and that one of the teachers was acting as Serena's legally responsible adult while her father was out of the country. And I said that Becker was trying to force them to punish her by threatening to launch a flurry of frivolous lawsuits against the school.

"I would hope they wouldn't be so easily blackmailed."

"Serena told them to go ahead. She doesn't mind putting up with one of these things for a while, and she knows that as soon as her dad is back Becker will be facing the full weight of the law. Then, I hope, we'll be able to order the antidote shot. Both of us, I mean, and anybody else in the same situation."

"I hope so. I don't like to see you suffering. And it's clear to me now that this 'refine' effect is only making it harder for you to be the person we hoped you would grow into. But even without the threats that Becker has made us, I'm not sure if we could afford the antidote."

"That's okay, I can–" I started, and then stopped myself. That wasn't an appropriate thing to say. I was going to say that Serena could afford it, and I knew that wasn't a thing I would normally have said. I had never just expected a gift from a friend, especially something that was priced out of the reach of most of my friends' families. Sure, she could afford it, but that didn't give me any right to expect it. "Well, you only gave me the dose in the first place because Becker lied. That's the big deal really, and if he's already been convicted of pressuring adults into giving inappropriate punishment, I think the court could require him to provide the antidote for everyone he's done this to."

Then I sank back into my own thoughts. I needed to be the person standing behind myself, watching over my shoulder for all the thoughts I would never have had. Even if I'd caught the alien impulse from Anti-Lorna this time, I knew that there had probably been a dozen more than I didn't even see.

"Are you okay?" Mum asked, and I just shook my head. I hated the person that I was turning into. And even if I told myself that it was only because of the drugs, deep down I had to accept that I just had an excuse. Sure, the Punishment Pill had made it easier for me to change. But that didn't mean it would all go back to normal when my extended punishment finally ended. It was like having an evil clone in my head, and I knew already that she would always be there, suggesting that I do something selfish or take advantage of my friends. I would have to learn to work around her, or to reach some kind of compromise. And I didn't have the first clue how I could do that, because she was me. I could never go back to being the person I had been before, or the person I wanted to be. Every decision would need second thoughts, watching for any sign that I was doing the wrong thing. And in just a couple of months, I'd already learned how exhausting that could be.