My Favourite Dream

16. It's Useless!

Parineet's POV

What the hell just happened? He tried to kiss me and did I just let him? When I should be miles away from him, when I should not be thinking about him, all I can actually process is Taran.

Taran's presence has been very effervescent in my life. He came, like a storm and changed the colours of this world around me. He made me saw the things in a different light, with a new vision. He made me fell in love with life again. I never had enjoyed so many small and big moments in my life before. Certainly, Neeti always tried to make me come out of my shell, but I used to turn down her offers, because I have been raised in a traditional family. But right now being in Delhi, all by myself, and having only bhaiya with me who trusts Taran more than anybody, it made things easier for me. Easier to enjoy the little joys, easier to live in the moment and easier to like Taran despite knowing the bitter truths.
I don't know when it started happening and how. I have always felt comfortable around him, more secure and confident. He made me do all those things I have been missing out in life, and I am truly thankful to him for that. But love? Isn't it a lie anyways?

Though I love love but I have lost the ability to trust someone who's more than a friend. It seems like, if I will put someone in that category, he will become a stranger to me. I won't know him anymore. But isn't it true?
People do change in love. They hurt you, they betray you, berate you of your own self, make you feel weak and vulnerable. And I, now hate that feeling. Letting yourself be bare and vulnerable in front of someone, I hate it. People in love do things you can't think of. They even know the art of unloving you, which I don't master. And I guess that's what happening with me and Taran. I don't know him anymore. Though not a betrayal, but the things he does to me, are not normal. He makes my heart flutter when he holds my hand, he makes me feel special with all the attention he gives me whenever I am around him. I have never felt so wanted, so needed by anyone, in my life. Whenever we are together, it seems like he forgets the world, and I am the only centre of his gravity. The way he looks at me, cares about the smallest of the things, it just makes me forget everything. Our families, the reality of our relationship, I let it all slip off my mind, when he is around. His charm makes me swoon from inside, his constant smirks, that eyebrow raise when he teases me, challenges me of something, when he unknowingly lead our conversations, and assert his power over me, though that's a rare case, I like it. The precious smile he gives me every time, I feel a surge in my emotions. An uninvited blush creeps on my cheeks when Taran compliments me. A seemingly permanent smile leaves my face when I return home after meeting him.

"Parineet you are looking beautiful."  He told me last day, and I actually felt that. Being pretty under his gaze, I know is not right. It is not normal and it is not good for both of us. 
And the feeling of betraying myself, of cheating on my ethics is greater than this feeling of being loved. The thought of falling in love doesn't scare me, but the prospect of playing the same role again, in his life this time, does.
I don't want to dwell there. I don't know about him, whether he does it organically or he feels the same way I does, I don't know. I don't want to know. The latter is more frightening possibility. He should not feel the same for me, because the whole idea of us is corrupt and mal. It won't give us anything but pain and sorrow for lifetime. In his case, it would be more brutal. He will lose himself. And I may lose a friend I gained. I don't want that.
But even after all this, what happened in Ayaan's room between me and Taran felt right. It didn't feel like I'm cheating on someone. The only thing I remember while being in his company is, us. I forget the world, I tend to overlook that people exist, our families, our past, our present and the future. I seize to notice the other things but us. It looks like that there is only me and him. Aroused, needing, in love.

"Parineet you know what I mean" I don't know what answer he wanted to listen from me at that second. Or did I know and I just played along that I didn't.