MISSTEPS OF LOVE / Jikook Kookmin Mingguk

42- Friendly Talk, Sad Story, Warm Hand

Jimin went downstairs to find the kitchen where he planned to raid their very expensive smart refrigerator.

Jimin entered the room when he was surprised to see Jungkook standing there, head down, doing something on the island counter. He is still wearing the same clothes.

His audible gasp made Jungkook look up and was also surprised, delighted to see Jimin there. The smaller looking so adorable in his slightly oversized pajamas, showing his sweater paws and tousled hair, looking more tiny. Jungkook's heart fluttered.

Jimin remembered he didn't even combed his hair. He ran his hands self-consciously through his strands to fix his appearance a little bit and tucked his hair behind his ears shyly.

Jungkook wanted to grab the cute, blond guy, imprison him in his arms and just kiss him. He shooed away the thought immediately.

He asked why Jimin is awake and inquired worriedly if something's wrong and Jimin admitted he just woke up and found Jin not there but he saw him with Namjoon in the balcony, then he felt a bit hungry that he decided to see what he can eat.

"Do you want some ramyeon, then? I am making myself some as I felt hungry too. I didn't sleep yet, I just finished going through some important documents."

"Y-Yes, I would love a ramyeon, if it wouldn't bother you too much. You are quite a busy man, still up, working at this time."

"Well, I am trying my best to meet a lot of expectations- of my father, my employees, who I am responsible for, and especially expectations of my own self. I need to work real hard.... Alright, I will cook us some good ramyeon. Just sit, relax and wait for a few minutes,." Jungkook pleasantly said with a sweet smile.

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The two were having light conversations over hot, spicy ramyeons at quarter to two in the morning. Initially they talked about simple things like their preferences, their likes and dislikes, their thoughts on some certain issues and found themselves compatible and agreeing with each other at most times.

Jungkook was laughing his heart out at some silly story Jimin told.

Afterwards there was a moment of silence.

Jungkook looked at Jimin's friendly, cheerful face, so easy to look at. His smile is really something else, giving him a special kind of happiness, a lightness, a warmth in his heart, unique in all that he has felt before.. He can't believe he has fallen in-love. He didn't expect that he would fall in love.

"I never believed in love." Jungkook suddenly uttered and he added in his mind, 'until now, until I met you.'

"I never believed in marriage, in love marriage, arranged marriage, any kind of marriage." He continued. 'Until you came. Now I started to be optimistic, starting to believe that marriage may be full of wonderful possibilities. Maybe if it's with you, Jimin, to share my life with you, I believe it could be something great. Marriage is a promising one with you..'  Jungkook's inner thoughts kept on talking quietly. Jungkook hesitates to say them out loud, not because he is unsure. He has never been more sure in his life. But he doesn't know why he feels scared to admit his feelings to the younger.

"W-Why is that?" Jimin asked softly. He felt bothered and suddenly sad inside as it meant that Jungkook may not really learn to love him and may never learn to accept their marriage.

"I saw how it didn't work well with my parents. How it just hurted my mom and well, just it didn't play right with them.. my parents, my mother."

Jimin just waited for Jungkook to continue. He remained silent just looking attentively at the older, his eyes encouraging him to go on.

"..My mother wasn't happy with my father. I knew my parents didn't have a love marriage. Probably their marriage was just for convenience. I am not sure but I am certain they are not in-love or I say one of them isn't. It's only to you that I tell this. I have always been a perceptive child, discerning and sensitive especially when it comes to my mother... You see, my father, I believe, must have loved some other woman. Sad to say, he didn't love my mother. They were civil, respectful and generous with each other and they never hurt each other physically or never had loud abusive verbal fights... but I see my mother most often not happy, sometimes I would catch her in tears. I just knew it's because of my father who can't seem to give her the love and attention she craved for. I recall, When I was seven or eight years old, I overheard a conversation of my father and some woman who stayed in our home. She was with a small child. They stayed in our house, I don't know for how long, but I have a vague memory of them staying for quite some time in our old home. I overheard my father confessing his love for that woman. I was just a child then but I remember his words, him saying I love you to that woman and embracing her. At that time it wasn't really clear to me what it meant but as I grew older, I understood. After that day, I never saw them again, that woman and her son, and afterwards my father and mother, I felt there was a certain drift between them, my father was solemn and cold, my mother miserable. I can see it in her eyes, in her face. I keep hearing the name of that woman between their conversations and a year before my mother died, I saw her cry too much one day, crying in the most saddest I saw her, that woman's name again in her lips. I just knew that woman is the cause of my mother's misery, the other woman my father loves, and the cause of my father's emotional turmoil. I am not sure if my father was having an affair or have been unfaithful to my mother physically, but I was certain he has been unfaithful emotionally with my mother. Ah! To even hear that other woman's name makes me boil with anger inside. I just hate even thinking of that woman, whose face I really don't remember anymore. To my mother, love was not very kind, I guess. Her marriage wasn't the kind that made her happy. Love only brought her tears."

Jungkook's tone was gloomy, his face forlorn, wallowing in sad old memories. His eyes filled with melancholy.

Jimin's heart felt sad for Jungkook. Without thinking, he held Jungkook's hand, wanting to console him, wanting to take away his pain.

"M-Maybe your m-mother had been s-sad, m-maybe there were moments that she was heartbroken and you saw her very sad. I understand. I don't disagree with you. B-But I believe, love had not been totally unkind to her, and love didn't solely brought her tears... She had you, Jungkook. She had you in her life. I may not have known her or met her, b-but I saw her photos. I saw how happy she was being with you, how her smiles were so radiant and her eyes shone with joy looking at you. I believe she had known that too, that love gave her the greatest gift which was you. I believe she felt happiness too, Jungkook, she experienced the greatest joy and the truest love by having you."

Jungkook smiled gratefully at Jimin. Somehow his words had given him consolation. How he appreciated the younger even more and he gently squeezed Jimin's warm, comforting hand and  held it in return with his heart in it, and he never seem to want to let it go.

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