Fat

The Fat Story of Fat Albert

It was a nice, breezy April afternoon in North Philadelphia. 8 friends were hanging out (well not hanging out, but standing around doing nothing) at the junkyard. It was boring and silent for what felt like forever until one of the dudes decided to speak up.

“I’m hungry,” said Bill Cosby. This caught everyone’s attention. James Mush, better known as “Mushmouth" replied, “Mebuh toobuh.” The other dudes started to nod in agreement.

'Fat' Albert Robertson spoke up triumphantly, “I’m ALWAYS hungry! Hey, hey, hey!” obviously ending his statement with his famous catchphrase. 

The tall, clumsy dude, ‘Weird’ Harold Simmons suggested, “I heard they came out with a ‘Quadruple Quarter Cheesesteak Frito Stuffed Infarction Pounder’ from ‘Wild Winston’s’. How 'bout we go there?” 

Albert grinned at Harold’s response, and happily said, “My treat.”

Then, the cocky huckster, Rudolph 'Rudy’ Davis replied, “Didn't someone die from having that?” The smooth talker continued, “I heard that dude had dozens of those pounders and had himself a major heart attack,” 

Harold rolled his eyes at Rudy, and replied, “That was Drag Burger Grill, Rudy, not Wild Winston’s, and they were the ‘Triple Bypass Macs’, not the… I really don’t wanna say it again,” he finished his saying with another eye roll and a grunt. 

Rudy spoke again, “Well, I feel much better now!” he continued but in his overly smooth tone of voice, “I betcha I can gobble down as many, or even more pounders as that guy who had those macs…” Rudy finished in a seductive whisper, “...and survive!”

‘Dumb’ Donald Parker replied to Rudy's bet, “Y-Y-Y-You’ll never survive eatin’ all them boogers!” he received strange looks as he said this, but he went on anyway, “He had like a million of those! I betcha they weigh a gazillion and thousand tons! He had no heart attack! Nuh-uh. He EXPLODED!” Donald’s over-exaggeration has gotten even stranger looks from the gang, so he figured it'd be best if he stopped.

Harold muttered next to Bill, “No class.”

The buck-toothed kid, Bucky Miller, softly spoken aloud, “Rudy, I know you wouldn’t survive to eat even one burger, and I have proof of it!” The cocky, angsty teen gave the athletic underdog the stink-eye and asked, “Watchu gotta prove small fry?”

Bucky exclaimed, “One time, we dared you to eat that burger that was...hmm...I can’t remember but I think it was about, 5 inches?” he squinted an eye and continued, “You couldn’t even handle one bite of the bun! You only licked the top of it and said it was canceled! What’s your excuse now, huh?” 

This was the moment when Rudy was breathing heavily and looked around all nervous. He replied to Bucky’s exposure,
“Umm… uh… I couldn’t have the burger 'cuz… uh… stupid me. I thought it was a stupid idea to have my ‘pineapple apricot double fuzz with a cherry in the middle upside down cheesecake topped with whipped cream on the side and the bottom’ before that silly burger challenge... That’s why I couldn’t take down all of that huge thing. Trust me, man. I didn’t want to look more pregnant than I did after having my favorite dessert...”

The gang looked at Rudy in disbelief and burst out in laughter right after. As soon as the gang calmed themselves down, the youngest kid, Bill’s little brother, Russell, decided to leave a comment on this bet, of which was soon about to die.

“‘Gobble down as many pounders as the guy who had the macs and survive’” Russell mocked Rudy’s bet, “Boy, I don’t believe you for a second! The last thing you should be is a psychic, cuz you can't predict no future!” Russell went on, “Infact, Rudy Davis, you remind me of a school assembly!” Rudy asked, “A school assembly?” Russell proudly said his own famous catchphrase...