Unwritten Words

Heart thoughts

Halloween. 2022. What a wild month October has led to be. 

I don't know if I like him. Well. No. I do. I do like him. I like the peace I feel around him. The certainty. It's odd. For a solid two weeks, that certainty festered in me. It sat and grew and was unlike anything I've felt before. Like I knew I had already won the prize before I played the game. 

Quite arrogant of an assumption, and one I'm not usually prone to. I say it not out of ego--believe me, I do not see myself in such high regards to deserve a soft-spoken soul as his. I say it...out of faith. I say it because something within me whispers it. 

He told me twice that he's not looking for anything. That we're friends. And somehow both his actions, and my certainty, have proven otherwise. 

And then...ya know...I cannot be blind about this. I cannot just say it out of faith, because humans are prone to failure and disappointment. This boy will let me down. In truth, he has. He said his piece. He doesn't want me, not like that. So my certainty is being dashed, and slowly ripped to bits. All my thoughts, all my peace, they were all silent lies. 

And I will not play this game--this oh so familiar game, where I want and I want and nothing is given and I want so hard, I begin to hallucinate it into existence. NO. I will not play a fool. I will not let my heart be given away so easily. 

Gosh how embarrassing it is to like someone. And then there's the question: do I really like him? Like do I want to be in a relationship with him? 

And it's just...like it's been a month! What I know isn't enough to justify. Like yeah I want to be in a relationship with you--one where we both say, "we're not at status level yet. I'm not calling you my girlfriend yet. But I am pursuing you. I want to know you, and only you right now." Yeah that sounds nice. 

And he gave me that almost. Without words. Just a lot of time and fun and good conversations. I felt pursued. 

Then he brings up the commitment and questions of his sexuality come up and then I wonder...what the heck I'm doing, playing the fool again? Letting my hope get in the way, and filling my head with wants and fantasies and dreams and gossip dipped in love. No. Absolutely not. 

I wonder if it's all been a lie. Like if I've been seeing it right. But no, I have. He did these things. He painted me a picture. He walks me to my car. He sits with me and draws. He spent a day with me going to yard sales and talking about our past. There was no question. And my gosh, he's actually giving me mixed signals. All his actions pointing to one gigantic sign, while his words brush them to the side. 

And that. That I will not stand. I am not a woman that can be swayed so easily. I was before. But then I built my foundation on God. And He doesn't sway. He sits. He listens. And He is. I know my God wants me. And I want Him. Thus, my worth has been heightened. 

No man can walk in there and claim something half-heartedly. Nope. I shall punch your mixed signals in the face.