Unwritten Words

Oz

So. Wow. Uh. This is harder than I anticipated. 

Not that I don't have anything to say. There's just...so much. Who knew one person could form so many emotions and thoughts in me in the matter of 24 hours.  And I'm still debating whether you should hear such words from my soul. I'm still debating many things...

I've delved into my depths many a times, my friend. I know what lies there. And I fear to let you see too much. Not that I don't trust you per se. If anything my trust for you has grown exponentially this summer. Rather...what can I show you that would be wise? What can I say that isn't too much? That goes past some invisible boundary and the word "friendship" wouldn't cut it anymore for the knowledge you have of my being? 

I'm afraid we'll be like Emmelie and Stephen. Like me and Crosby. We'll get too close. And if one hesitates...it's over. Everything. And it'll be for nothing in the end. Just another lesson that people need to have boundaries. 

And I know you say you'll stay. But...you can't speak for future Azaz. So...I'm just trying to be weary. And not mess this up. Whatever "this" is. 

Gosh. What have you done to me? My mind is a chaotic mess of joy and despair. I yearn to run forward, but also to stay stubbornly still. Contradictions after contradictions. When will it end? Do I want it to? 

So here are my thoughts: I see it.

I see us. I can see it working if we really wanted it to. You hit many targets for me in what I want in a significant other. It's actually incredible. Since...well, you were right in front of me for such a long time! And never did it cross my mind till this month that maybe, just maybe, it could work.

Such a thought is terrifying. Since that thought has occurred with many other people. It's like I can't control my own mind. I end up yearning for something, that never takes place. And my mind remains my solitary escape. Another wish blown out from the cake. 

It is hopeless to try to control such a thought process. All I can do is release it out of me, till there's no fuel to my flaming heart. 

And oh how that fire burns through me. I lose myself in such a smoke. Usually when it's cleared, there's no one left but me...picking up the ashes of my dream. 

I suppose what I'm saying is: I like you. Maybe it's a crush? Who knows. I just know that we kissed. A lot. And talked. A lot. And well...it was nice. You said you liked it too. And now I'm in a puddle of confusion.

I got a taste of something so incredible. And I'm leaving... and that wonderful moonlight moment might've been just a moment. Nothing more. 

Was it? Was it a just a moment to you? Since I couldn't sleep when I got home. My mind kept revolving and smiling at the memory till the late hours of the night. Like dude. I was so happy I couldn't sleep. What???? I didn't know such a thing could happen till now. 

And I don't know how to leave it behind us. I don't know how to do anything anymore. You have suddenly, and with much anticipation, twisted my world upside down. And I don't know how to compartmentalize it all. Keep it separate so we can be normal. 

Dear God, I pray that it wasn't a moment. That it was perhaps to the prologue to something...beyond anything I ever imagined. I want it Azaz. I do. I know it was only one day. So I'm not jumping into this. I do want to be wise about this. I do want to be in a better place mentally before it.  I want to sit and pray about it for days and months. 

But I want it. 

Do you?

Please help a girl out.

Lexi