Unwritten Words

To someone

I don't know where it came from, nor what triggered it. It simply appeared: this yawning void of sadness. It's an abyss in its existence, most definitely. Everything about it just had a depth. Take one step in and you drown--that was all there was to it. And I inevitably found myself beneath waves of emotions that tore me apart.

What's worse is I don't believe there are words to describe it. Music can, as music can explain most things. In fact, art in all of it's beauty can always describe that horrible tsunami better than string of sentences. And right now...I just want someone, anyone, out there to know that I am in this storm. 

I know it passes. I at least have hope in that. I've lived through many of them--I have died many of times--so I have experience to know that I will resurrect out of this abyss. 

But the tricky thing about it is: you never feel like you're going to be resurrected. You feel as if Christ chose to miss Lazarus' funeral, and you are but a body in a tomb. And in that dark place, a part of you wishes to stay. You don't want to get up again and leave what comfort you found, what memories you cling to, what habits you grasp. You don't want to improve. For a second, you just wish to become nothing more than the darkness. Returning to reality feels odd. Almost not right.

I seriously thought I was through it too. "I've never been better. I'm actually doing so much better than last year."

Then this. A thief in the night. A killer of any joy. I do not know what happened, but man, has my soul lost itself beneath the waves. Nostalgia and grief and anger and pain and sadness sucking out my very blood. 

How do you even explain it? "I am haunted by my past! I cling to it as a drug! Looking to the future terrifies me, and thrills me, and I feel so torn between two different people: who I was as a child and who I will be as an adult. And no one provides any help, if anything their assumptions make me angry. Why push me forward?! LET ME RUN MYSELF...but please push me forward."

Scream and rant I shall, but forever I shall remain a body in a tomb. 

This weekend had a fantastic start as well. I went to the city by bus, then walked for an hour to the mall. It was my first time shopping alone and giving myself very limited limitations. It was wonderful. Then I saw the Batman movie, then walked back with a friend and slept at his place.

And the next day is where it falters I suppose. Looking at the shirt I bought for myself sat wrong. It felt good to wear, all sexy around my curves, elevating my breast. But it wasn't dainty. It wasn't elegant. It was...different than anything I ever bought myself. I had planned to wear it that night to the discoteca, the club, but the minute I got home to my place, a heaviness wore down on me. And tears soon started falling. And well that was that. 

I spent the evening sobbing to my friend. Raging with my tears. I felt like an uncontrolled mess of grief. It was unbearable for me, and I pray it wasn't too much for him. Since it sucked. How does one return from such a horrible night of crying? Of realizing all the things you want and feeling as if there is not enough time to achieve any of it? Of wanting your friends and missing your family but not wanting to return, not yet?

I despise how deep I feel. I swear only God can handle it, since I can't. And if I can't handle it, what other human can? And I want someone here. I want it more than anything. I want a hug. I want a group to call my own, as I once had one. I want people to look at me, to truly look at me, and to want to hang out with me and watch me grow.  

But there's no one. And searching for them is exhausting when you're drowning.

I'm so tired of drowning.  

drowning

drowning

down

down

Someone please save me

No. Lazarus had christ. You only have yourself.

-Alexis Bullock