Troyler Oneshots

Amnesia

Troye drove on autopilot through the streets of LA, bright lights and city sounds ringing like a drone, unknown, as he himself had so eloquently put it. They were all just a dull awareness in the back of his mind as he cut off all emotions, just concentrating on the road. He'd been living in this city for years now, but it was all unfamiliar and cold, without any of the light and warmth it used to have. Nothing was safe or comforting any more in this town full of so many memories, not since.

God knows how high the gas bill would be. He'd been driving around aimlessly for what, nearly three hours now? Anything to distract himself. He did his best to keep his mind blank as he shifted gear again and turned down yet another street, this one looking just the same as any other one he'd seen in the past number of hours. Who knows, maybe he'd been driving in circles. He wouldn't have noticed.

Vaguely he registered the glimmer of water reflecting the dim streetlights back out to the world. He must be near the waterfront. But it was so quiet, hardly any other vehicles around and fewer pedestrians - how late was it? Sighing as if giving in to someone - not that there was anyone sitting in his passenger seat any more to nag him into doing things, poking and pestering and making him laugh as he drove - Troye pulled in opposite some cheap backstreet diner, cutting out the ignition and letting the keys fall into his lap as he laid his head back on the seat and closed his eyes. Maybe now he could sleep for a bit?

Okay, okay, sleep's not good. Troye's eyes flew open again and he quickly switched on the car radio, turning it up as loud as he could without disturbing anyone passing outside but still loud enough to fill his head and distract him. Distract him from the thoughts that he was only barely holding back inside his head, waiting for him to let his guard down so they could tear him to pieces, although it wouldn't exactly be the first time. Someone yelled out an angry rap that could hardly be called a song as he kneaded his forehead with his fingers, elbows resting against the steering wheel. Days later, and he was still as much a complete mess as he was the first night.

Sighing again, Troye pulled his feet up onto the seat and hugged his knees, his chin resting on top as he gazed unseeingly out of the windscreen. Raindrops were beginning to fall one by one onto the windscreen, faster and heavier until eventually it was pouring down outside. He studied the little rivers and streams that formed as the water made its way down the glass, connecting together like the veins in his body. He didn't know how much longer he could keep doing this, neglecting all his responsibilities and worrying all his friends and family as he tried to hold himself together. Although at least now he was actually doing something, even if it was only driving without destination or purpose, surely that was better than just locking himself in his room and shutting everyone out like he'd been doing until only a few days ago?

That rapper was really beginning to annoy him. Unwrapping one long arm from around his legs, Troye poked at some buttons on the car radio, switching channels as he tried to find a better song to listen to. He froze suddenly, hearing an all-too-familiar voice softly singing the words to an all-too-familiar melody. Suddenly gripped with a burning frustration, he slammed some random button to another channel before he had to hear another word of his own song. Normally, he'd be happy to hear his music on the radio, the sense of pride and love for the followers that got him to where he is making his chest feel like it was about to burst. But not this song, not now. Things had been so different when he'd written that, and they'd changed so fast. Why did they have to? Why couldn't they have stayed the way they were?

All the anger dissipated as quickly as it had come as he threw his head back against the seat. There was no point getting worked up about things now, they were the way they were and try as he might, there was nothing he could do to change them. Besides, his thoughts were getting close to the painful memories that he couldn't let resurface. He had to keep it together, make it at least one day without falling to pieces again.