After Her Love

24. Friend zoning

"It's just.. All reminded me of the life I used to have before Rauli got abusive.. I had friends... I went out to have fun with them.. And it has been so long that I had basically forgotten how that felt.. Until tonight.. " I actually managed to tell something that was true because I did miss the time when I had more people around me than just Rauli and Susanne.

"I get it.. But now you do have that again. We're your friends and we're gonna be there for you.. Which leads me to another question.. I'm not sure if I should be asking this now but.. Have you... Considered getting any professional help? I mean.. You went through a lot.. " Why did that sound like a friend zoning again? I was literally getting too confused but the question Aleksi asked was actually very relevant. Searching for professional help should be the first thing on my to do list but instead of that I was looking for a route out of the memories. I did not want to analyze them with a stranger, I did not want to talk about how I felt at that time and how I was feeling now. All I wanted was to fucking forget all of that and take back the time that I lost while being with Rauli.

"I dunno.. Maybe someday... When I feel ready to talk about it.. For now I just feel like I need a break from all of those memories or else I just go crazy.." It felt stupid to be not able to tell Aleksi that by the end of the next week I was not going to even be here and finding a good psychologist now would just be waste of energy. I already had a plan I was going to follow, knowing that it was going to be the one thing I needed the most now.

"Whenever you feel ready for it." Aleksi smiled and a sharp pain went through my heart because I had no idea when that day was going to come.

"Yeah.. " I finished my tea and stood up to put the cup away.

"I'm gonna hit the bed.. Kinda tired.. Doing nothing all day long can be tiring as hell.." I chuckled a little, trying to leave Aleksi an impression that everything was more or less fine and I had nothing to hide.

"Believe me, I know.. But I would really give anything to be like that just for a few days." The man smiled and looked at me. Those blue eyes caught me for a good, long moment. The warmth in them, the kindness.. That man had a way too big heart inside of him.

"Umh.." I realized that we had been staring at each other for a little too long.

"I.. go now.. Good night." As awkward as that moment was, I still flashed him a small smile and got one in return too. Slowly, I backed into my room and closed the door after which I crash landed on my bed. My eyes were fixated into the ceilings and my body refused to move. The guilt inside of me was burning holes into my heart but at the same time I hope that Aleksi would forgive me for everything some day if I had no courage to tell him before I leave. But I was already running out of time.

The next morning I woke up to the feeling of something cold and wet against my cheek. Slowly, I opened my eyes and looked to my right, from where I found Rilla.

"Hey there.." I laughed quietly. I thought I had closed the door when I came to sleep but it seems that I had left it ajar and Rilla figured that she could join me.

"Did you sleep well there?" I gently pet her. Obviously she did not answer me but she did look very peaceful.

"God I feel so awful... I'm gonna miss you, you know... You've become such a good friend of mine.. " I whispered and scratched her under her chin. She was probably wondering what the hell I was talking about but I am sure she understood at least something from the tone of my voice because her eyes suddenly looked sad. It was not an easy decision to make but it was needed and I really had to clear my mind somewhere where I knew no one and no one knew me.

Few minutes later Rilla heard something from the kitchen so she stood up, jumped down from the bed and made her way out of the room, leaving me there. I took my phone to check the time and I realized that there was not much time left because I had slept so long. Quickly, I got up and pulled on the first clothes I managed to find and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and do my makeup. Once I looked presentable, I followed the aroma of the coffee to the kitchen where Aleksi sat in the exact same place where I left him last night.