The Rotten Calamity

The Almost

"There are three kinds of love..." said someone I don't even remember. 

"The first love will break your heart, it will be painful, and there will be denial."

"The second love is where you'll learn, fight a lot; torment yourself. And here comes the gaslighting and all the lies and you'll discover who you are..." what they failed to add was the trauma, and the shit loads of other emotional baggage you'd have to carry for years. Nobody put out a disclaimer on how difficult it'll be to recover and undo everything you've learnt about love so far. So the cycle continues. 

Here's where it gets interesting. 

"The third kind of love will be pure. You wouldn't have to seek it, it'll come to you. And this love will stay and will understand you and accept you for who you are."

Plot twist, the third love won't have unlimited patience level or understanding level. The third love you think was meant to stay and work out, probably won't. Nobody tells you this. No one does. Reality hits you hard; you'll realise the person you're with is just another human with shit tons of emotional baggage and not just some prophecy to fulfil your 'third love', this is the dead end you hit. 

There is no third love or any kinds of love out there; there never was. The love we keep talking about, most people even set forth to seek this love out in the wild, is in fact you. 

This whole time it was you. The love you need so badly to undo everything you've learnt about love so far is you; only you can. There is no ideal kinda person who'll waltz into your life to make things right. No matter what they say, the shit stays. It never changes unless you want it to and it won't be easy. 

The reason why most people don't stick it out is because they can't and it's better to leave it at that. Sometimes, you can't ask why and run off to find answers. You have to let it go and maybe hurt in pain, grieve the loss, and let faith do whatever it's supposed to. 

"What's meant to be yours, will come and find you. And it will stay if it wants to..." rest is blurred. 

I honestly don't understand how manifestation works or anything for that matter, but what I've understood so far is that, if you feel abandoned for wanting your own space and the person couldn't stick around, I guess it's fine. 

"Let them go, do not hold on," said someone on the internet. 

The only person you can't let go of is you. You can't give up on yourself even if you don't believe in the higher designs of life and its fragile intricate work of destiny; there's something out there. 

At one point, maybe you're holding a gun to your head or standing on a rooftop to jump, or maybe you chose a bridge to fall off from to bid farewell to this miserable life, anything... even maybe poison yourself. 

BUT! BUT! Before you pull that trigger, before you jump, before you overdose yourself with sleeping pills and drugs, JUST HOLD ON and BREATHE!

I don't have the answers to your whys', nor to mine. But before you jump to a conclusion and hysterically decide to kill yourself, how about we live? Just one day at a time. 

Even nothing at this point makes sense to you, shut your brain and just walk away but don't die. Death awaits us all anyway. There is no point in taking that direct line, no matter how much in pain you are, dying is an option but I would never ask you to because you are precious. 

Life is shit. It is so miserable thanks to humans and how we're all interconnected to each other that our actions affect us all in some way, but you're here and you should stay here. 

"Hokage Dattebayo," said Naruto. 

This boy lost his parents to the great nine-tail fox, Kurama, when he was a baby crying in his crib unaware of his destiny being forged and the path he was about to take. Kurama was under a dark spell casted by ... *won't give out many spoilers*. However, he was an orphan. The village despised him because the 'beast' Kurma nearly destroyed the village before he was captured by Naruto's great parents, Minato and Kushina, before they died. They turned Naruto into a vessel to hold the beast in. 

Naruto grew up lonely. He had no friends. Everybody in the village hated him, bullied him, blamed him for everything and just wished he never existed. This child was tormented. But, let me tell you, if I'm alive today is because of Naruto. He taught me to smile and sacrifice for what you love. Naruto could've been the best villain origin one could ever imagine but no, Naruto is a hero. 

Naruto took all that hate, and struggle of growing up alone, with no money and no support, and channelized all that energy into his chakra of overcoming this trauma bond of being pathetic but being the best. To prove to everybody in the village who doubted him for being evil because he held Kurama in him. He reciprocated with love, hard work and determination to become the Hokage. 

Here's what makes Naruto special. While everything was about proving others, as he grew up he realized its more than that. As a child, he thought that becoming the Hokage would make the village accept him and love him back. No, that changed. Naruto realised it's about accepting you for who you are. So he did the most unconventional thing ever, a gesture so pure that baffled everyone of Naruto's purity. 

Naruto befriended the beast who killed his parents, Kurama. He made peace with the fact that Kurama didn't do it, he never wanted to, and he was under spell and was forced to. And this changed everything for Naruto. 

Along the way, he didn't just lose his parents but many more dear to him. Witnessing death changed Naruto. This guilty emotion of not being able to save them haunts you. 

"Life is painfully and hurting and horrible..." rightfully said. "But Life like a coin churns the other side of its severe nature, like ying-yang, life is beautiful and blissful and calming."

Just like Naruto, you can't make everyone love you and make them stay. People choose to walk away. And that's alright. But you have to show up for yourself. Because you are the narrator of your life in your head. Don't let that voice in your head narrate everything that you do. 

If you've got something to prove, prove it to yourself and ask yourself; was it worth it?

Even after all this time when you've lost all hope, can you still see the light? 

So what I'm trying to say is, if you don't have the answers don't let it be death. Don't settle on dying as an answer to your fleeting pain. 

I have lost someone dear to me today, my supposed third love. 

And it's alright.