Shut Up and Review

#21: Mademoiselle Noir

This is one of the few books that I was massively intrigued by from just the blurb. A dark retelling of Rapunzel? Yes, please! I love the concept and I love your plot!

Having said that, opening a story with a poem is such a Tolkein thing to do. It may not appeal to everyone but it definitely caught my fancy. Poems are such a unique way of worldbuilding and storytelling at the same time.

There are a few things that I would perhaps advise you to tweak.

First off, your paragraphs are a little short. Only break paragraphs when a new topic begins. For instance your protagonist starts to go something or stop doing the old thing.

So in that regard the two paragraphs starting from "Maelle wiped the sweat from his brow ..." all the way until the end of the next one can be combined. Why? Because he's preparing to climb the tower in them both.

Now, this is a personal preference and I've constantly been told that my paragraphs are a bit too long so take everything I say with a grain of salt.

Secondly, italicised thoughts are common in first-person POVs. In third person, like your story is, try using past perfect tense and indirect speech to convey thoughts.

So instead of:
'We needn't fear a Pure ambush if a maiden with this power joins us.'Maelle thought. 'But how do I enter this tower?'

You could say:

Malle was certain that they wouldn't need to fear a Pure ambush if a maiden with such power joined them. But that was a problem for another time. He had to figure out a way to enter the tower first.
Both ways convey internal monologue. However the top one is more frequently used in first person, if at all. The second one lets you relate to the character because you don't just know what's going on in his head, you also know how he feels about his thoughts, his emotions.

Building on that, I absolutely love your writing style, especially when it comes to direct speech. You use both emotions and adjectives brilliantly. Your use of show vs tell is spot on as well. I was both impressed and terrified of Cendre the entire duration of her conversation with Maelle. I felt that sometimes speech without speech tags were overdone a little. Once or twice in a page is okay, but when it's constant, it feels more like a play than a novel.
Your descriptions were vivid and detailed as well, but not overdone. I didn't feel like I had stumbled into an info dump at any point.

The other bit that could have been phrased better were your time skips. Instead of breaking with "in the 5th floor" use a single line to explain they've gone down a floor. Something as simple as "I followed her down another floor." Or whatever you feel will suit you best. This limits the number of time skips in a chapter and keeps the flow of the story too.

I can't think of anything else to say. It's a very well-written story with so much promise. I might add it to my list and read the whole thing anyway.