Shut Up and Review

#18: The Kingmaker

The Kingmaker by YouCanCallMeCorn

I absolutely loved your opening scene. It was gripping with the right amount of tension and intrigue. You also had a very good variety of sentences and paragraph lengths. I definitely enjoyed your use of showing rather than telling as well.

You've used the full names of the characters as soon as the story begins. Full names are usually less personable than first names. While I understood that Tetsuya was the protagonist, the sentence disassociated me from the story a bit. I would probably also advise adding a small line to explain who Haizaki is to the protagonist, or even a few words.

Also, I'm not sure if you used the Japanese convention of surname before given name as you call the protagonist Tetsuya, but the other guy Haizaki. As your story is written in English, the readers of your story will contain people with no knowledge of this convention. My advice here would be to stick to the English custom of naming.

Be careful when using comparisons in descriptions. There are ways to compare to add humour and there are ways to do it to invoke fear. Describing someone's skin as so rosy that she may have been pinching herself is a bit disturbing. It definitely sets the tone of the story and I wonder if it was used because the protagonist has been it happen before. If it was arbitrary, then my advice would be to consider changing it. However, if it was intentional because of something the protagonist witnessed then ignore me.

Another small piece of advice I'm going to pop in here is to be conscious of repeating yourself.

"Swiftly, Haizaki takes two long steps in rapid time."
Swiftly and rapid both mean the same thing. You should use one or the other but not both.

There were also instances where you've used the comma too often and incorrectly. My advice is to paste your story on Hemmingway Editor before you publish it, or even using an editing software like Grammarly. They will help iron out the small errors.

Grammar aside, I found the insinuation of "searching inside" a little confusing. Sometimes it felt like it was hinting at rape, other times I felt you might have meant something a little more supernatural.

I definitely enjoyed Tetsuya as a character. The plot was very intriguing, and the world-building was done at a good pace. I enjoyed reading the obvious division in both power and freedom when Tetsuya spoke to the crown prince. A lot of differences were visible. The only aspect lacking there was perhaps descriptions. The genre of fantasy relies on description just as much as worldbuilding, and I don't remember seeing a lot of information on what the palace or the halls looked like.

Overall, The Kingmaker is a very interesting story that has a lot of potential. I would not have known it was an AU fanfiction if you hadn't said so. One of the most important aspects of fanfiction is to write them in a way that they attract all audience, fans and otherwise. I can definitely say that you've done that.

Best of luck with your book!