LUNA'S REVIEWS

Obey Me, Princess

Title: Obey me princess - a w|w lady Tremaine story
Author: reginamillsmatress
Genre: Fanfiction/Romance

This one was definitely entertaining, to say the least. I received many warnings on how smutty is was and it's only fair that I do the same here. This is a novel that revolves mostly around sex- and very dark sex at that. I will say that I did enjoy the little bit of build up there was, and the plot honestly sounds super cool and intriguing, and I think that this novel has the potential to be really amazing. If you like intense sex and heavy subjects, this is right up your alley.

Grammar/Punctuation: This is an area I would recommend focusing on, especially when you go back to do any editing, but it wasn't severe. As I read I noticed there were consistent punctuational problems, such as improper capitalization and lack of commas, as well as the structure of some sentences that felt awkward to read.

For example, in the first chapter you wrote, "Both her Daughters had married into rich families leaving The lady alone but with plenty of money for servants and luxurious living." This is a lot to read at once, and without a comma placed before the conjunction it's a run on sentence. Not to mention 'daughters' and 'the' should not be capitalized, while 'Lady' should be.

This is also one of those sentences that felt awkward to read, and only because of the order in which the information was communicated. Something like, "The Lady was left alone when her daughters married into wealthy families, but she had plenty of money for luxurious living." Because you started the paragraph introducing her, it feels more organized for the sentence to begin with the focus entirely on her still, as opposed to suddenly talking about her two daughters. I took out 'for servants' because it can be assumed- during this time in this specific setting- that servants are included in 'luxurious living.' This is a form of repetition that can bore the reader if it happens too much, especially when you're already giving so many paragraphs of information.

Another example I wanted to point out was a paragraph I actually really enjoyed reading in the first chapter. It was fun, clever, and it was a really nice first impression of Lady Tremaine. You wrote, "'Now you will be staying in the basement, i mean it was between that and the attic but i think we all know that naughty girls go upstairs and bad girls go down.' she grinned, plucking a fan off of the side table and cooling herself off." There's a couple capitalization errors, a missing comma, slight repetition, and I wanted to make a recommendation. I would write it as, "'Now you will be staying in the basement. I mean- it was between that and the attic, but I think we all know that good girls go upstairs and naughty girls go down.' She grinned, plucking a fan off of the side table to cool herself with." I felt like 'naughty' and 'bad' were too synonymous here, and the contrast between 'good' and 'naughty' was much more fitting.

These are just examples of things I would advise fixing when you edit. Honestly, you could probably just use an online tool like google docs to edit it for you, as most of the problems are easy fixes anyway. Even with the mistakes I was able to understand the story you're telling, so still a great job!

Title/Summary: I like the title a lot, actually. The only problem is that any title needs to be capitalized appropriately, so I would recommend writing it as, "Obey Me, Princess." I appreciate the double meaning you achieved with this, as it is literal, but also kinky. It sums up the story nicely, so great job!

The summary is okay. I am personally not a fan of summaries with questions, and so I would definitely recommend taking those out, but that is more of a personal preference. I can't deny that you do give just enough information to pique the reader's interest without overdoing it, and I appreciate the mysteriousness. I did enjoy the last two lines, "Not every fairytale can be magical. / Some can be quite... twisted." Make sure to touch up on the punctuation throughout as well! 'Lady Tremaine' should always be capitalized.

I would personally like to see an actual written description, but I do like how short, sweet, to-the-point it is. Overall great job here!

Plot/Character Development: I think you've done well in developing Lady Tremaine's character so far. She's clearly the dominant one here, and we can infer that while she's strict- well, mean- she still cares. In fact, based off of her first interaction with the main character, she seems to have a humorous side to her as well. Personally, I would like to see more of that in the beginning before you get into the smut aspect of it- especially since you've developed an actual plot and it's not just a smut book.

I didn't mind that the main character is the reader, but I do think that you need a different approach if this is the case. I would highly recommend writing this in second person POV if it's (Y/N), only because of the lack of development here. When it's in first person I want to learn more about the character you have in mind to fill this role, if that makes sense. Right now we only know the main character was a princess that cares about others, and due to unfortunate circumstances she's sent as a servant to Lady Tremaine. That's all we know. My advice to you would be to either change the tense to second person or create the character you want to see here.

That being said, I think the plot is incredibly creative. It's so cool to me that Cinderella's Prince Charming isn't such a good person after all, and it's about his sister that's a much better person than him. I really wanted to see more of this!

I would advise developing it a bit more, and not dumping the information on the reader all at once in the beginning. Always keep in mind that you want to show your reader what's going on- info dumping can bore the reader if it's too much at the very beginning. Reveal the details of the plot throughout, so that the reader doesn't know everything right away. You want your audience to want to know more because that's what's going to keep them hooked throughout the entirety of the novel. If it were just a smut book I wouldn't be too concerned with this, but I really like the idea and want to see more of it.

I would advise starting the first chapter with the main character arriving at Lady Tremaine's house and settling in, and then slowly revealing how she ended up there. Starting off with action is always a good way to capture the audience's attention from the beginning.

Great job here! It's an awesome idea and I really hope to see you develop it more.

OVERALL: You've got a pretty cool thing going on here. The sex was a little too heavy for my own personal taste, but the idea is awesome! Just focus on editing, developing the main character, and developing the plot. This novel definitely has the potential to be amazing, and I hope to see it succeed! Great job overall, and keep up the fantastic work!