MiniSugaKookies Made With Love

Harsh Truths Are Never Fun

"hyung?" Jungkook asks halfway through their meal, having put off talking about it again but he needs to know some things.

"Hm?" Hoseok hums, not looking up from his plate.

"why did you wait so long to say something? If- if you knew?" This question makes Hoseok look up and give Jungkook his undivided attention.

"it wasn't my business, if I'm being honest. I saw the longing looks you would give them when you thought no one was looking and they would both look at you like you just kicked their puppy-" Jungkook whines at the choice of analogy so Hoseok huffs out a laugh and changes course. "fine, like you were a complex puzzle they couldn't solve, better?"

Jungkook nods, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip so he won't interrupt again.

"I could tell something was up but it wasn't affecting the group so I didn't bother until I needed to say something. We all suspected about Yoongi hyung and Jiminie but never really knew for sure so when the announcement came and I saw your face through the mirror.. I knew that you idiots weren't talking it out."

At Jungkook's wounded look at the jab, Hoseok laughs softly.

"I speak the truth. All three of you are being absolute idiots and not talking this out. Instead you are just longing and pining and for what?"

"because hyung.. what If they don't want me as much as you claim? What if they just feel sorry for me because my feelings are kind of obvious? They are together.. I couldn't even be selfish enough to even try to put any issues in their relationship. I would rather be heartbroken than break them up."

Hoseok's eyes soften at his words, knowing his dongsaeng has always been selfless but this is a new level.

"Jungkook-ah..." Hoseok says softly, thankful now that he reserves a few tables around them for as much privacy as they can manage on short notice.

"I'm- I'm not good, hyung. Not enough for them. They are amazing and have hearts of gold and I'm just.. I'm just a mess! I'm clingy and afraid of my feelings enough that I don't say them out loud so I won't sound stupid and-and- I'm so stupid-"

"Jeon Jungkook you listen to me right now. I never want to hear those words out of your mouth again." Hoseok's lips form the dreaded triangle again, making Jungkook feel like such a fuckup. Why does he always make everyone so unhappy?

"I can't say I'm sorry when it's true, hyung. I would be lying if I said I was sorry." Jungkook breathes out, trying not to cry as he pushes his food around with his chopsticks. "I feel like a total failure for not being brave or confident."

"Why do you feel this way?" Hoseok asks, trying to sound as non judgmental as he possibly can. He isn't a therapist and isn't about to even pretend but maybe if he got this off his chest he can start to get around this self doubt in his head.

Jungkook doesn't say anything for a long while, too long, if Hoseok says so himself. He worries for a second Jungkook won't ever really speak again but when he does, Hoseok thinks his own heart breaks just a little.

"I've felt this way for awhile actually. It started smaller when I first started you know? The little part of me wondering if I'm good enough to be who I am. Am I enough to be this idol that everyone paints me to be? Am I good enough for army?"
Jungkook deems his appetite gone so pushes his plate away and takes a sip of his water but it does nothing to ease the dryness in his throat at saying this out loud. "some of it you all know. Did I do this performance good enough, I could have done that move better, etcetera. However as I matured and grew up enough to understand the difference between friendly and romantic feelings, I got increasingly scared and my self doubt sort of took over."

Hoseok doesn't say anything but makes small noises to let him know he is listening and the more he speaks, the sadder Hoseok gets.

"I thought about telling them at least a million times by now. I came mere seconds away from it but something was never right. We were too busy or I got too scared and then I realized I liked them both equally and that scared me even more because nobody ever talked to me about dating more than one person. That isn't heard of here! What if they weren't into it? What if they weren't even into men? Or into me?"

"oh gguk.." Hoseok says softly and reaches across the table to hold his hand. The restaurant is pretty much empty at this time of day by now, a thing Hoseok is grateful for.

"I know, I sound really stupid but it makes so much sense to me. Why would they be into me, someone they see as family?" Jungkook laughs but the laugh is void of all humor, more a noise to ease the self deprecation he's experiencing. "then I saw them together, like.. together together. Eventually they became comfortable acting so.. boyfriend-y around me and I started to spiral. I couldn't tell anyone now! I was too late. They were sort of a thing now and the chances of me causing issues or worse-them to breakup whatever it was they had going on-hurt more than me not speaking up. I saw how happy they were getting and I couldn't help but wonder, maybe they don't need me after all."

"no-"

"maybe," Jungkook doesn't let him interrupt, just keeps spilling out his anguished soul like word vomit. Once he started, now he can't stop. "Maybe they didn't return my feelings. Why would they when they were together and falling in love? They didn't seem to need me in the ways I need them. Was I selfish for wanting them anyways? For seeing the subtle smiles and holding hands and hearing them fuck and think, my god what I would give to be with them. The words were always on the tip of my tongue but I can't get around the lingering thoughts. The- the doubt. The insecurity. I'm selfish, reckless, stupid-"

"I'm stopping you right there." Hoseok snaps, looking angrier than Jungkook has ever seen him and it makes him feel so much worse that it's because of him. "why haven't you told them? No, hear me out before you object. Why not? What is the worst that could happen?"

"uh- hello? They reject me?" Jungkook scrunched his eyebrows at the thought but is unsure where Hoseok is going with this.

"Okay, and?" Hoseok deadpans, making Jungkook make a noise of frustration. Has he not been listening?

"And? And then things would be weird. You can't say it won't be because it will always be a thing between the group because I'll be sad and heartbroken and they will feel guilty and no one will know how to talk to anyone, afraid of triggering the upset. I will be letting down my parents, you hyungs, the company, Army--"

"okay, but what if none of that happens?" the noise of the restaurant starts to gain as customers come in so Hoseok makes sure everything is on and ready to go so they can hurry to his car.

"you make it sound like they wouldn't reject me." Jungkook hates that a small part of his heart clings to the hope that they might accept him and his baggage of doubts.

Hoseok doesn't reply, the crowd making it risky, until they get to his car and it is safe enough to talk freely again. They pull off their masks and sunglasses so they can have the rest of this conversation because Hoseok is not finished with his dongsaeng yet.

"do you know that they will reject you? Have they said they don't like you? You are assuming that they don't want you or have any sort of feelings for you at all which is unfair to them, Jungkook. Have you ever once stopped thinking about the negative what if's and put yourselves in their shoes?" Hoseok starts to pull out and drives down the road towards Jungkook's apartment while he talks.

"I've tried but no, I haven't asked them because I see no reason to." Jungkook doesn't get why Hoseok is pushing this, like he knows differently from him.

"again, you all are being absolute fucking idiots." Hoseok mumbles, actually sounding a bit peeved. Neither of them speak until Jungkook's apartment building comes into view and they pass security. Hoseok doesn't bother parking, just pulls up beside the door.

"you don't understand, hyung." Jungkook grits out between teeth. He knows Hoseok is only trying to help but why does he insist on calling him an idiot?

"I don't understand? I don't understand?! I don't understand what, Jungkook? How I share a room with Jimin as I have since debut and probably know him best next to Taehyung-ah? How when he sleeps in our room he cries himself to sleep and won't tell anyone? How every time I am working with Yoongi hyung and he has to produce your voice it feels like all of the happiness is sucked from the room and it's hard to even breathe? How about how you stare at them like they hung the fucking stars in the sky but think nobody is looking but lately you look as if they personally ripped your heart out and stomped on it but here's the kicker," Hoseok turns to Jungkook mid conversation and his face is red as if he is truly about to lose his temper. A sight hardly seen by Hoseok. "NONE OF YOU ARE FUCKING TALKING ABOUT THIS."

"YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT, HYUNG!" Jungkook is more afraid than mad, his voice rising with the need to cry. God he's tired of crying.

"THEN TELL ME, JUNGKOOK!" Hoseok takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself, softening his tone more. "I'm right here asking you to help me explain why it feels like I'm losing one of my best friends."

"You don't understand how it feels to wake up some days hating yourself. To always feel inadequate so you push and push yourself to be better do better because you never feel like you live up to anyone's expectations. To never feel like you are enough. No matter how hard I try, I am not enough." Jungkook finishes on a whisper, before pulling the car door open and stepping out. "thanks for food, hyung."

"Jungkook, wait-"

Jungkook slams the door and disappears inside his apartment building, leaving Hoseok to sit there with a pit in his stomach after the words Jungkook left him with.