It All Started With a Diary

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"He wanted to talk to me about Kade, but he saw the bruises," she released a choked laugh. "God, I tried to run away so fast, but he caught up to me. We hadn't seen each other in years at that point. He gave me his number, and told me to contact him if I needed his help. I had to buy a burner phone, but I called him as soon as I could. We planned everything. My boys and I would be half way across the country by the time William came home. But then..." she trailed off, her eyes falling. "Everything happened."

"I happened," Kade mumbled more to himself than her. I opened my mouth, ready to push every doubt away before Susie did it for me.

Susie shook her head so hard, strands of her bun came loose. "Don't say that, Kade. Your brother, that sweet angel. He was killed by a monster. But, while he was here, he received so much love, so much care." Her wall broke, tears cascading down her cheeks as she choked back a sob. "You were his strength, his guardian angel. Do you remember how he would sing to you after every beating, to try and make you feel better? He would call you Kadie to piss you off, he would only sleep in your bed, he would-"

Kade's heated gaze moved toward her as he stood up. "Don't talk about him," he snapped, his voice cracking. His expression fell with grief. "I can't do this. I can't."

Susie stood up to match toe to toe with her son. I watched the interaction between the two, my own cheeks slippery with tears.

Susie took tentative steps toward her son, before she grasped his wrists. "He would talk about you in his prayers every night, he would only eat vegetables if he saw you eat them, he would draw pictures of the both of you-"

"He's dead!" Kade shouted, then squeezed his eyes shut, as if he could just wish this all away. I had to refrain myself from taking hold of him. He shook his head, palming at the back of his neck as the tears slid down his cheeks. "None of those memories matter, because he's not here to tell them. Stop, please." His voice was weak, tired. "Please stop it."

"They do matter, and you know it. You know his impact mattered." Susie shook her child in her arms, her body trembling. "I still have the drawings, every single one. When Kacen's teacher asked who his role model was, he wrote you. He wrote you. He wrote..." her head tilted back to the ceiling as she willed enough oxygen to carry on. "He wrote that you were his best person, his role model, his savior-"

"My baby brother burned in my bed, alone and terrified because of me!" Kade's chest trembled with grief as he shook his head, swiping at his cheek with the back of his hand. "I wasn't there to save him. I-I wasn't there when my brother needed me the most...I'm no savior."

Susie turned his head up to her, her quivering voice lowering. "You were. You were always there for him, with him. You showed him what love and care was, even though you had no idea yourself. Baby, you were his love."

"He's not here, but we are. We have to keep hurting, we have to keep living, and loving. Because he didn't get to. The amount of love that we received from our angel during that time will sustain us for the rest of our lives, it has to." Her knees wobbled as she sobbed out words to her son. "And I am so, so sorry that I robbed you of so much. That I didn't try harder, that I didn't-"

"You tried," Kade whispered, his red eyes meeting hers. "You were trying to survive...to get us out."

Susie dropped her hands from him to wipe at her cheeks. "And, in the process I lost both of my children. My loves. You were robbed of so much, and I can never make up for it. Your foundation for your life was so cruel and unfair, and I will spend the rest of my days proving how sorry I am for everything."

"But, I have loved you every single day, without interruptions. I have admired your strength, your courage and ability," she paused to nod at me. "To love. You were never taught those things the right way, but you did anyway. You did it on your own." I felt my lips tilt into a smile as I nodded in agreement.

"I didn't do it on my own," Kade said. "You were strong for all of us, as strong as you could be. You went through so much, and I'm sorry that I didn't...that I mistreated you all of these years. You were courageous, and..." he paused to clear his throat as his emotions flooded his judgement. "And, I've been blaming others all of my life for what happened to Kacen. I blamed you, someone who was a mother trying her best." He glanced at me, and I offered a small smile of encouragement in return as his tone softened. "I blamed the love of my life, the girl whose air I'm somehow worthy enough to breathe, I blamed someone who was an abused child like me. She was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and I was blind of that."

"And, I blamed myself," he finished, his voice lowering. "I blamed myself, someone who was just a child, someone who never deserved any of those things. We were victims..." he trailed off as he glanced up at his mother.

I watched as he stepped closer to Susie, who was still distraught. Kade reached out, then flinched at himself before he drew in a long string of air. My silent tears increased as Kade slowly, but surely, wrapped his arms around his mother.

"I'm sorry," he whispered against her, voice croaky. "I'm so sorry."

I watched Susie sigh with relief, her reddened face falling as she hugged her son back. "Don't you dare apologize, Kade. I'm so sorry..." her words broke off as the emotions flooded over. I could hear the tears from either side as their differences settled.

To see a mother hold her son was magnificent. To see both of them try to heal from such an unfair deal of cards was heartbreaking. The scene was heartbreakingly, magnificent.

Kades' arms tightened around his mother as he buried his face in the crook of her neck. "I forgive you, mom," I heard Kade sob out her neck. "I forgive you."