Fear of Intimacy

Chapter 35....

When my eyes landed on my own boyfriend I smiled. Trevor was squatted down in front of a little girl, only two showed up today out of the 30. The little girl stared up at Trevor with wide eyes and I'm pretty sure she was developing a crush on him.

I nudged Josie and pointed towards Trevor and the girl. She lifted her camera to capture the moment. The sight was enough to make my ovaries explode. Trevor was so cute around kids. It did nothing to help my mind from picturing how he'd be with our kids. Although that was wayyyy too early to start thinking about.

"How's it going by the way with Dr. Hauss?" Josie asked, drawing my attention away from Trevor.

"Good actually." And I meant that.

Two months ago, after going to my parents Gala, I realized I needed to stop bottling everything up. It was Trevor who suggested seeing a counselor to talk about things. At first I was leery. A counselor seeing a counselor didn't look good. But one night after waking up to a horrible nightmare, Trevor shaking me awake, I knew I had to do something.

The next morning I called a fellow counselor I knew that worked in the same building and made an appointment. Trevor dropped me off with an encouraging smile and a promise he'd be right here to pick me up afterwards.

For the first time I learned how my own patients felt coming to me. The awkwardness at first. Not knowing what to say and how deep to go. But Dr. Hauss was amazing. She was nice and let me talk in my own time. Never pushing me to talk about anything I didn't want too. After that first session I already felt lighter.

It took about three sessions before I opened up about the assault and meeting Daniel for the first time in a year at my parents Gala. I told her everything. Even the parts I've never told Josie or Trevor. Told her about my parents and growing up.

It was an exhausting session and I spent that night crying while Trevor held me but I felt better. It felt good to get it all off my chest. Like telling someone lifted the pressure off my shoulders. I've felt better than I ever have honestly.

"Have I told you how proud I am of you?"

"Yes but I don't mind hearing it again." I shot Josie a grin as I looped my arm through hers.

I knew Jo was referring to the fact that I've cut my parents off. They tried calling me about a month ago but I didn't answer, and I haven't answered their texts either. Aside from what happened that night at the Gala, going to my counselor really opened my eyes to how my parents have treated me all my life.

I always come up with excuses for how they've treated me. Oh they are just busy with work. I just need to work harder. I need to do this and that to gain their approval. But I finally opened my eyes to the fact that I shouldn't have to do any of those things to get my parents attention.

They were my parents and I still loved them but for now distance was the best option. I needed to feel better mentally and emotionally before I talked with them. It's been hard but having Trevor by my side it's been easier. As well as Josie and Sydni.

The sound of Josie's name being yelled across the ice had her squeezing my arm and heading out onto the rink. I looked around at all the kids having the time of their lives. It was so cute seeing all these big hockey players playing with little kids, fake falling onto the ice all dramatically.

It's so sweet they all came out to be with the kids and help support Landon's rink. Landon specifically opened this place to help kids. To be a place anyone can go to if they need. From what I've heard from Josie he's doing so well and has been able to hire more people to help out and coach teams. This charity event just helped out even more.