Ctrl + Alt + Dalt (BxB)

Ctrl + Alt + Dalt + 6

"It's my Father's car—"

"All right. Still. You know what I mean. You're parents took you to dinner parties where there was caviar, while I was eating McDonald's Happy Meals out of some dumpster in a dark alleyway." He turns away, clearly looking as if he regrets sharing that bit and as if he's now remembering too much of his terrible experience. My guts twist and churn thinking about him having to dumpster dive just to survive—the cold irony of eating something half-eaten by a stranger, discarded and cold, while digging through the trash in the exposed, harshness of the cold night, all the while eating something ironically having the word 'happy' in it.

"I feel awful. I'm sorry—"

"Stop apologizing. It wasn't your fault. It just happened—"

"No, it didn't just happen—I am responsible. I'm the one who got you kicked from the group. I'm the one who robbed you of all of your friends. I took away all of the people who could have been there for you. I wasn't the one who outed you, but I was the one who provided the proof to get you ousted. I may not have been the first one who told everyone about how you were cheating on your girlfriend with some guy—but I was the one who showed them the photo of you two kissing." I look away, ashamed of how I used to be, ashamed of having been the one to cause such a terrible thing to happen to him, and angry at the heartless cruelty of my old self. "If I wasn't so caught up with being popular—maybe you would have had someone who still cared about you when you needed them most. Words can't express how awful I feel and how sorry I am. I'm really sorry."

"Hey, look at me," he says, gently and softly and almost at a whisper, but I can't find it within myself to look at him, because I'm too busy with staring at a monster—all of the things that I've done, the pain that I've caused people, the pain that I've caused him—how can I look at him? I feel the gentle softness of a fingertip beneath the skin of my chin gently guiding me back into his amber gems of kindness—a kindness that hurts me just to look at—a kindness that I clearly don't deserve. Warmly, he says, "I told you to stop apologizing. I already forgave you—remember?"

"How can you forgive me? I don't deserve forgiveness. I deserve to be beaten with a stick, drawn and quartered, and with what remains of me burned to ashes. I don't deserve your friendship, nor anyone else's for that matter, but I certainly don't deserve yours. I don't deserve you," I tell the kindness in his amber halos—that kindness burns the residual remnants of the monster within.

"I can, because it's not your fault."

"But, I'm the one who showed them—"

"Yeah, but why? Yes, you were caught up with being popular. But, why? You did it because you had to protect yourself from being outed—to protect yourself from the world's homophobic wrath—to protect yourself from the bullying you've already experienced before—to protect yourself from losing everything like I did." He sighs, warmly smiling before he continues, "honestly, I'd rather be homeless again than have to face the kind of bullying that you've had to face—even from what little I know about it." He pats my shoulder. "And, honestly, I'm grateful that you showed them that photo, because otherwise, I might still be living a lie. Sure, I might not have experienced the bad parts, but then I wouldn't have experienced the good parts that came afterwards, either. The people that I've met along the way, who truly care and love me for who I truly am. I wouldn't want to give that away—ever—not even for all of the comforts of my previous life. If you give it time, you'll feel the same way that I do about your own situation. But, you do have to give it some effort, if you want it to work out well."

"What kind of effort does that entail?" I ask, hanging on his every word.

"You need to meet new people—the right people. You need to do the out part of being 'out'. You need to put in the effort to experience the world that you denied yourself—to experience your true happiness—to experience being your true self."