𝐒𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐀𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 (+𝟏𝟖)

.:𝐒𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐓𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬:.

I look good, but I don't feel good. I feel incomplete. Like I'm myself but not myself wholly, I guess I've always felt that way since I got married to Oliver.

Our relationship wasn't always like to is now. He was good in the beginning, but when I first met him he was freshly single and was looking for a good time. We had a casual hook up routine, it full filled him and myself at the time. Like grew to love, and love grew into thinking about a long lasting future with him.

We married, it was a happy day for me I don't know about him though, he showed up tipsy to the ceremony and then drank himself half dead at the ceremony, it was so bad that at the end of the night he threw up all over me. My dress was ruined and I was absolutely devastated. He spent everyday making it up to me, which I greatly loved.

Was I upset that I don't have the dress I married my husband in? Yes of course. Was it something I would hold over his head forever and remind him of it everyday? No, but he thought that was my intention.

So making it up to me became resent and resent led to drinking, drinking lead to cheating which lead to him, Jace. The only good thing about our situation. When I discovered about Oliver's infidelity I immediately started packing and stayed at a hotel for a week.

While I was there I thought a lot. About our marriage, my life, what it would become of me if I left. What would happen to him? Was it bad that even though he betrayed me I still wanted him. To love him, care for him, and be with him. All I did was cry, think, sleep. That's all I did for a week straight. At the end of the week though I came to the decision that I wanted to stay with him, so I checked out and charged all the expenses on his credit card. I may still have wanted him but it didn't mean I completely forgave him yet.

So I went home. We talked, made up, and came to terms with our mistakes. We were an early marriage, everyone makes mistakes. I told him though, "One more affair and we are done forever". He took that seriously and never drank an ounce of alcohol during those months, never went out without me there, unless it was for work or a work trip, which didn't happen regularly.

Then nine months later they're we were completely happy, just like how we were in the beginning. And then just like that, in a snap of a finger, our little bubble was gone. A baby, on our doorstep. Not my baby, Oliver's baby. A baby he had made with the woman he cheated on me with. She put the child in a basket and left him on our doorstep with a note.

"It's a boy. Haven't named him yet. I had a home birth, so he doesn't have everything. He is healthy as far as I can tell, do not try to find or contact me, I'm not ready to be a mother now or ever. I don't want this."

Oliver took it bad, he had a freak out and was angry. Angry that this woman and child had ruined our perfect life, but in all reality he was apart of who ruined our bubble as well. The child was just evidence of it. He was sure that I would leave him. I didn't, I couldn't. Once I picked up that small baby I knew that I wanted to be there for him, always. So I took care of him all by myself in the beginning.

Oliver was here but most of the time he was drinking. In his room, in the basement, in the living room. Basically anywhere in the penthouse. I think the shock of becoming a new father scared him more than anything. I was the one who named him, Jace. A cute and normal baby boy name, his full name is Jace Daniel Bryton. And too this day he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I had to be there for this little boy, I couldn't take care of his father 24/7. At times I feel like a failure wife because of the past. I have not always been there for Oliver, but he has always been there for me. Not in a good way though. Always there taunting me, scaring me, making me scared to do anything without repercussions. And now look at me, covered in bruises and covering them with makeup scared that anyone will find out about the things he does to me.

It mostly happens after he drinks, which is all the time. He can never go a day without having at least one drink. I try to avoid him as best I can, but he's my husband. We live together, sleep together, we're alone together.

That's why I was so excited for this summer because Jace was coming home. Oliver is more well behaved when his son is here, because he can't just raise his hand at me anywhere in the house when Jace is here. It has to be somewhere private, which I would rather have.

Snapping myself out of thoughts I picked up my cherry red YSL clutch. I grabbed my house keys and said goodbye to all of the staff working and walked out into the hallway and pressed the down button on the elevator. I cant wait to finally eat, I'm starving and I get to talk with my best friends. A perfect day.

Sorry about the absence, school is a bitch.