Project Nimby

Project Nimby - Cactus Bob and Tim

Project NIMBY

By Cactus Gulch and Emmit Other

The inciting incident is that Ted wandered where he shouldn't have and ceased to be Ted.

So once upon a time, there was a Sapient Cactus with a cat. Except, in this case, the cat was a human. Sure, many sapient things exist; fungus, humans, animas, post-humans, digital ghosts, digital zombies, all kinds of crap. But sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes a Sapient Cactus is just named Bob. The Bs in that name were made from an alphabet only someone with an IQ of three thousand could comprehend..

Ted knew where they were going and had strict laws, but he hadn't truly believed Bob was going to make him go somewhere where humans weren't welcome. It was literally risking his life. Sure, he had his mind backed up in the galactic archive, but it could be a full twenty Standard Years before he was rebooted if he was snuffed unless. Bob paid a great deal of money to get him out and Bob wasn't pleased about the practice in general.

But they both made a B sound with a slightly discernible fractal orange that required resurrecting the color yellow. The cat, or human in a very large pet carrier, was named Ted; and his name required no special letters at all; just T, E, and D written in crayon on toilet paper from the rubber room walls.

Cactus Bob had a problem (Please resist the temptation to put special umlaut and apostrophes and shua insignares over the O, comrade. It's just a regular O.)

Anywho, Bob's pet human wasn't welcome on the planet Metmetmetrion. The entire name being a mockery of the old galactic capital of New New New New York before everyone that wasn't human toppled humans and put them in their place. Everyone considered that place differently, and it was why the high Arthurian dream of a united Galactic Republic was a shattered one. Some wanted humans to be equal, their dainty poodles in purses, or their dinner. The latter was particularly rare as most of the galaxy considered it both tacky and the sort of thing they loved to lord over being Not Human like a baby seal clubbed by a nasty human. The planets that let humans be equal were regarded as trash by the rest of the galaxy.

Anywhere with any culture, any kind of neighborhood where you could raise your kids and not worry about roving gangs of murdery, rapey humans or their neglitionary owners... Well, you get the idea. And if you don't, don't worry about it, because you probably never will. Hi Ted.

No more worries Ted.

No more worries Ted.

No more worries, no more woes.

Ted, I'm taking you to live on a farm. My farm. No, I know you saw that old human show about humans taking their dogs to live on a farm when they died and lied to their children about it. But you understand, Ted. You understand this is a special message for you and if you can finish it, you get a big, big ice cream. Ted, the ice cream is real and you'll get it if you can understand the special message.

Cactus farms were widely regarded as the gold standard by the galaxy at large. They had a full biome that allowed complete self-sufficiency and a bit more for export if the owner was judicious in their allocation of energy and time. As an experienced farmer, Bob knew precisely how to do that. Even drunk half the time, he could make it a very profitable enterprise.

All of that is a roundabout way of telling you, Ted, that the world doesn't make any sense. And that's good for you, because the planet I'm trying to smuggle you onto doesn't let humans be... well... alive on it. But it's SUCH a cool place to live, Ted. The sunlight is just right and the air is so dry... It's THE perfect Desert, Ted, and I'm going to tell you that you're a cat, with such definiteness and purpose that you'll realize you are in fact, Ted the Cat. It will be like a thunderbolt from above, Ted the Cat, and you'll realize you are Ted the Cat.