Avengers High School - Winter Soldier

26 - Monster...?

He didn't like thinking of his time with the Red Room. Obviously, that was a cloudy memory until late. Now, it only fuelled his regret.

Bucky was aware of the things he did. Mostly. Even if it was as the Winter Soldier, the guilt still ate him up. If he thought about it too much, sunk into the depths of his mind, he'd realise how much pain he caused so many people. Good people. Innocent people. Young girls like Natasha who had a whole life ahead of them, only to be tormented by nightmares and memories of gunshots and fights and knives and metal arms. His eyes, his face, his being, plagued people's minds all over the world. He wondered how many Black Widows were out there suffering because they thought someone would punch them like he did, that the heavy stomps of their brothers' feet were his boots on concrete, that the metal bars of the playground or gym equipment was his hand. Or even how many children were in orphanages because he murdered their parents, crying alone as they remembered their screams. Or how many uncles, aunties, grandparents were struck with grief and confusion because they don't know who murdered their family or why. How many lives he had ruined because he was weak and gave in to HYDRA's control. How many lives he had ruined because he was scared so he complied. How many lives he had ruined because of him. It was all because of him.

And here he was still hurting people.

He wasn't a killer. He wasn't a murderer. He wasn't a terrorist.

He was a monster.

That's all he has ever been and all he ever will be.

He had known it all along but now, as he watched Natasha struggling to get her breath back, her strong self defeated on the floor, he was proven right.

After a moment of stunned silence, his brain flicked back to life.

"Nat..." Bucky's voice faltered as he approached her slowly.

Bucky felt like he'd been stabbed when Natasha's face flashed with fear. She instantly replaced it with an apologetic smile but it didn't help the fact that any progress Bucky had made to normalcy was gone.

He bit his lip and watched anxiously as she stood up, in her grey jumper and patterned pyjama shorts, combing her fingers through her hair. She sat down on the edge of the bed. Her desperate, wheezing breaths matched his own - hers from an injured windpipe and bad memories, his from a damaged mind.

"Are you alright?" Bucky said softly.

Natasha returned the question with a smile. "Yeah."

With a shaky breath, he uttered "I'm so sorry... I was... I..."

But he didn't have anything to add.

Natasha stared down at the thrown-about blanket on Bucky's makeshift bed, occasionally flicking her eyes up to him. "It's okay. You can't help having a nightmare."

Bucky felt so pathetic. It was a simple nightmare!

"I'm gonna go."

It was 3 am and pitch black outside but Bucky would find a way home. A place to wait for morning. But what would he do then? What's the point of going to school... with HYDRA's literal descendants? What was he even doing?

"No," Natasha replied sternly. "I'm not gonna let you go sit out in the streets."

"But-"

"Don't go."

Bucky met Natasha's pleading eyes. He was so confused. Had he not nearly killed her like five minutes ago?

"Please," she added. Her hands were squeezing the blanket underneath her thighs in an attempt of comfort. It was then that Bucky realised he was sitting on the floor against the wall, hugging his knees.

"Okay."

She smiled gratefully at him - why was she happy with his presence?! - and wiped the tears from her eyes. He was too shocked to cry, so resumed his usual blank stare at nothing.

Before either realised what was happening, Natasha had sat down next to Bucky on the floor. He looked at her warily.

"I forgive you, Bucky," she said and rested her head against his right shoulder. He leant his own head on hers, trying not to cry.

"Thank you."

And just like that, he felt a little less like a monster.