What we've always been.

6. Self-esteem.

Corey slids over his seat into the one next to mine. Normally we sit together for every class we share, but last week they separated us in here because we spent too much time talking to one another. He reaches over and pulls my notes closer to him so he can write down all the things he failed to note down himself.

"What's going on with you?" Corey whispers.

"What do you mean?" I whisper back.

He points at my blank page and I only now realise that I haven't written down anything that was said today.

"Sorry. I've just got a lot on my mind." I answer.

I regret my words as soon as I say them because now Corey looks like he just witnessed a puppys murder.

"I'm fine." I answer before he can ask.

Corey chews his lip and doesn't push it further. Instead he slides me something under the table. It's a pack of chewing gum.

"I got you strawberry this time. Last time you said the grape one was a 'crime against nature' " Corey whispers and laughs.

I look down at the gum and suddenly all I want to do is disappear into dust. Corey and I made a deal when he joined the rugby team. We both knew I had jo interest in watching sports even if he was participating in them. But for some reason Corey insisted he couldn't play well without me there. So in exchange for me going to his games and even the practices he would buy me something to snack on.

Usually it was a pack of chewing gum or a bag of sweets or something.

"Do you have practice today?" I ask.

"Yeah, duh. It's our first practice since we won the game last week." He says.

I mentally smack myself for forgetting.

"Uh...I kinda have plans today after school." I tell him as gently as I can.

Coreys eyes almost pop out of his head.

"Excuse me?" He says a little too loud.

He looks around expecting a lecture, but no one heard him.

"What could possibly be more important?" He asks.

"I uh..." I should lie and say I have diarrhea or something. But Corey and I don't lie to each other. "I was gonna go watch swim practice."

At first Corey is silent. Like he's expecting me to burst out laughing and tell him I'm joking. Except I'm not.

"When did you become a fan of the swim team?" Corey asks.

"I'm not it's just that...Charlie kinda asked me to-"

"Seriously?" Corey interrupts. "You're bailing on me because Charlie Todd told you to?"

"I'm not-"

"Alexander." Mrs Valentine says finally catching on to our secret conversation. "Do we have a problem?" She asks.

"No ma'am." I answer.

She looks from me to Corey.

"You two, split up." She says.

Before I can object Corey gets up and moves back to his original seat far away from me. I look at him and try to make him meet my eye, but he avoids me at every turn.

.................

Corey

When class finally ends I try to pack up and leave before Alec can get to me but I'm not fast enough.

"Would you please talk to me." Alec pleads slinging his backpack over his shoulder.

"Why should I? It's clear you've already made your decision." I answer  stuffing books in my bag.

"That's not fair." He says.

"Fair?" I grab my bag and walk out of the classroom with Alec following behind me. "What's not fair Alec is my best friend bailing out on me because he some secret boner for king sleaze ball Charlie Todd."

"That's not what's happening." Alec says.

I turn and face him.

"Really? Okay then Alec enlighten me, why are you going to watch the swim team practice today. Have you suddenly develop a love for swimming in the last 45 minutes?" I ask.

Alec sighs.

"Look Charlie did ask me to go watch him practice-" I walk away in the middle of his sentence and he follows me. "But that's not the reason why."

"Then please help me understand Alec." I answer stoping us both in our tracks.

"You don't get it Corey, you never have. You're popular and attractive, people throw theirselves at you. Meanwhile when people like Charlie Todd give people like me the time of day I can't just ignore him." Corey says.

"I really thought you had more self-esteem than that." I spit.

I regret the words as soon as I say them.

"Right, because people with high self-esteem don't do stupid shit like try to commit suicide?" Alec says.

I run my hand through my hair.

"That's not what I meant and you know it." I answer.

"Whatever Corey." Alec says and walks away.