The show must go on

Chapter 36 - If I only could

"We have tried chemotherapy in all possible doses and variations, on top of that radiotherapy...we have managed to keep the course in check. The disease has not spread further, other organs are not affected. That is good. But the cancerous cells just won't go away despite all our attempts," he explains.

"How long can we go on like this?", I cautiously probe further, not even sure I want to hear the answer.

"I want to be completely honest," he says.

"Please be," I put all the courage I can muster into that sentence as Perrie grows smaller and quieter.

"Looking at your stats...then...well then I'm afraid your body can't take all this much longer," he explains tersely, obviously struck himself by his own words and I meanwhile am almost emotionless, not knowing how to react, what to think.

"So...I'm dying," I state, not really registering the statement.

It's only when Perrie lets out a loud sob, albeit only once, that I realise what I've just said out loud. I immediately turn to Perrie, squeezing her hand tighter, looking at her sadly and understandingly.

"I'm sorry," she sniffles.

"No, don't be," I say quickly. "You have every right in the world to react like that. It sucks."

"It does suck," Daniel says too. "But that doesn't mean it's over yet."

"Your optimism in all honour, but you just said yourself I won't last much longer," I keep my composure quite well, surprisingly for everyone involved.

"There's another treatment option we haven't talked about yet. A stem cell transplant," he then says and Perrie looks at him properly for the first time, her eyes already red and puffy and it kills me to see her like this.

"Isn't this like the last chance?", I ask quietly and hear Perrie sobbing again. For the first time ever, I wish I was alone at this moment. Not because of me, but because of her. Hearing this is killing her, I can feel it, I can see it.

"In your case, it's the best chance...and yes, probably the only one," Daniel admits. "But a successful stem cell transplant can lead to a complete cure for AML. It just carries some risks, which is why we first fully exhausted the means of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Stem cell therapy is usually used when patients have already beaten the cancer but suffer a relapse. Or, as in your case, when the leukaemia does not completely regress despite all attempts at chemo."

"How...how does that...so this stem cell transplant work then?" Perrie stutters, nerves completely shot and my heart breaks even more.

"There are two options. The blood stem cells can come from the patient, but that's not possible with you, Jade."

"Why?", I ask, a little intimidated by the fact that something directly won't work with me.