Inconsolable » Squid [Holes]

32: This Doesn't End Until it Starts

A flurry of shuffling paper and a creaky mattress greeted Mickey when she entered D-Tent. An amused smile popped dimples in her cheeks at the sight of Stanley and Zero both trying—and failing—at appearing unbothered. "It's alright, it's just me," she said. She didn't know why they still wanted to keep Stanley teaching Zero to read and write a secret. It clearly wasn't doing Stanley any favors with the rest of their tent but no matter how much they jeered and ragged on him, he didn't waver. She admired his commitment.

After stumbling across a lesson being held before dinner while the other boys were in the Wreck Room, Mickey had been brought into the fold. Everything came with a price at Camp Green Lake but the stakes with this trade-off were clean: she kept quiet about the lessons, and they'd keep quiet about her poking around. Stanley offered to help her with her hole after they were finished digging but she declined. She got satisfaction completing it on her own, especially this far in. It made the daunting reality of having to dig at least 300 more a little more digestible.

"How's it going today?"

"Good," Stanley said, placing paper back on the overturned crate they used. "I need to teach him a few more letter sounds but I think we can move onto two-syllable words soon."

"Don't you think you should go with vowels and consonants first?"

Stanley raised and lowered one shoulder. Next to him Zero's teeth pressed into his bottom lip, brow furrowed in concentration as he drew letters on the paper in front of them. "I'm kind of just jumping around to what makes sense."

Armpit's bed creaked when Mickey sat opposite the boys as she peered at the upside-down words scrawled across it. "Well, his name is a good start," she commented on the slightly too large handwriting. "He should try 'Stanley' next."

"Caveman would probably be easier." At the crinkle to Mickey's eyebrow he continued, "With the two short words I mean. Just have to"—he slapped his palms—"smush it together."

"Maybe. But I like Stanley better." When Stanley locked eyes with her she smiled and a flush rose to his cheeks. Why couldn't more guys like him be in her school? Maybe then she wouldn't have put herself in Brett's crosshairs. Maybe then she'd actually have friends.

"Thanks." He wrote another word down on the paper—crown—and handed the pencil to Zero to replicate. When he looked up, his hazel eyes held concern. "Things going okay in the medic tent? I know you were, uh, having a hard time with the kitchen."

Mickey snorted. That was one way to put it. "It's fine. Pendanski's...Pendanski." Batting away the infiltrating thoughts of their perpetually perky counselor, she rubbed at her shoulder. Maybe if she rubbed hard enough, she could get the touch of his clammy hand off her. "I mean, it's...it's...it's okay. He's just a little..." Her lips vibrated as she blew out a breath, wracking her brain for the right words. "He's a little too much sometimes. But it's okay! I can handle it." Those words came so easily off her tongue nowadays. Dropping her hands, she clasped them together in her lap, thumbs pressing tight on her knuckles. "I can handle it."

"That doesn't mean you have to." Zero took his time drawing out the sharp points of the 'w' followed by the crest and fall on the 'n', only looking up at her after setting down his pencil.

Whether it was the definitive finality of his comment or the weighted silence following, she wasn't sure, but something rocked in her. Her breath stilled and her lips pressed together, and those six words descended upon her; a soft cozy blanket compared to the jabbed barbs thrown at her in the past. Those words stuck. Zero's words struck.

And it sounded so simple, too simple. Her first instinct was to not trust it. Because it couldn't be that simple. Could it? The stance, so pure and with conviction, had to come with some sort of catch. That's how her life worked. Every time something good came around, it wasn't long before reality came along and put her right back in her place. She didn't have to handle it. Okay, then what?