“Jasmin, I came to give you an update!” she speaks quietly and slowly her voice is somewhat comforting as my heart pounds in my chest waiting for whatever dreadful news is about to come.
“Jack’s out of surgery, we removed the clot entirely and fitted a shunt to try and keep the blood vessels clear, it went really well” She sounds remarkably upbeat and I let out the breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding in, tears splashing down my cheeks with relief. “Where is he?” I choke out.
“He’s in intensive care, we aren’t removing the sedation for at least forty eight hours, I’ll get someone to take you to see him and then I’d like you to go home and take care of yourself. He’ll need you to be fit and healthy for whatever lies ahead ok” the Surgeon states firmly. I’m not keen on that idea at all but she is spot on, I will need to be fit and healthy for the days ahead. I spend the next couple of hours with Jack, talking to him quietly and holding his hand. He feels warm and alive which cheers me up a little. When the surgeon pops in to check Jack over she threatens to have me removed from the hospital by force and now the adrenaline has stopped rushing around my body, suddenly I’m feeling dog tired and so I relent and leave my husbands side, promising him I’ll be back soon.
I feel like walking home, getting some fresh air in my lungs and I do for a bit in a little dream world till I stop and turn, sighing as I pull open the door of the truck that has been following and that has now stopped beside me. “Marshall, why are you following me? I can’t be around you right now?” I don’t give him a chance to even get a breath out before slamming the door and carrying on with my walk, ten minutes later I look up and recognize nothing, where the fuck am I? He’s still following me and suddenly I just want to go to sleep, my body weighs a ton and I sink to my knees on the cold, hard sidewalk. I’m picked up gently seconds later and he places me neatly on the backseat of his truck, covering me with a blanket that was on the seat, I close my eyes and surrender knowing Marshall will take me somewhere safe and warm to sleep. Waking up in his arms briefly as he carries me again through my house and places me on my bed.
He removes my shoes and my feet immediately stop throbbing, free from my too tight sneakers, he pulls my dress up over my head causing me to yelp when the material dried with my own blood and stuck to my scar rips away. Marshall stops and stands holding my dress until he suddenly clocks the mess I’ve made of my chest “Baby!” he whispers, I turn away, not wanting to see that look of concern on his handsome face, I don’t deserve it.
Marshall leaves the room returning with a bowl of liquid and a cloth, he maneuvers me onto my back and dabs carefully at my scar “You shouldn’t be here, it’s his home” I spit out cruelly, turning my face away from him. “I’m here as a friend Jasmin, nothing else. Let me take care of you for once” Marshall is a good man and I hate myself because I’m comforted by him being here and I don’t want him to leave, yet I do want him to leave. I start crying silently, a few stray sniffles alert him to the fact and he stops dabbing at my chest, pulling me up the bed and pulling one of Jack’s old t shirts over my body. “Go to sleep, I’ll wake you if there’s any news okay?” I nod gratefully at him, reaching out for his hand and clasping it roughly in my own “Stay till I fall asleep please” I’m almost but not quite begging him to stay with me now when all I wanted was him gone two minutes ago, but he stays and I don’t feel him pull away from me. Eventually my body finally sags in defeat and I surrender to sleep once more.
I wake a few hours later feeling different, I didn’t feel defeated anymore, I felt confident and full of fight that we can get through this, whatever this is! Jack and I will survive. I’m ready to start looking after him again but that will come with sacrifices. Checking my phone there’s immediate relief to see no missed calls or messages before glancing over at Marshall sleeping in the chair in the corner of my room and swallowing hard, he looks uncomfortable and I want to cry because he will be the one sacrifice that I have to make and it will hurt more than anything. I shove it deep down inside of me, dreading the conversation to come and take my now adjusted attitude for a much needed shower, I had this sense that I could take on the world once more, we’d done it before and we sure as shit could do it again.
He’s not in the chair anymore when I get out of the shower eventually, he’s still here though I can hear him chatting away to Rosie and it’s a comforting sound whilst I sort myself out and make myself decent, I spend a few moments thinking about how this conversation will go, before calling the hospital for and asking for updates on Jack, he’s still under sedation and has had a comfortable night which is the best I could wish for at this point. I’ll have this chat with Marshall and then head back to him.
“Hey” he walks in the bedroom with a coffee for me and for some reason I feel the need to cover my body that he’s seen a hundred times. He notices and hesitates In handing my mug to me.
“Have you called the hospital this morning” he asks nicely, I suspect he doesn’t know what else to say but it gets my back up, like he’s insinuating something like I don’t give a shit. How my head has come up with that paranoid shit I don’t know so I bite back the urge to snap at him.
“Yeah, he had a comfortable night. Thank you for bringing me home and staying with me” I am grateful to him.
“That’s what friends are for Jas!” he ruffles my damp hair and sits beside me on the bed.
“We need to talk Marshall, I'm going to be here most of the time with Jack once he gets home, our Wednesday’s will not happen as often as they used too if at all now” my voice is soft and calm careful not to poke the bear and it kind of works, he sighs before getting up and pacing the floor of my bedroom, Rosie following him up and down. “you’ll still need break Jas, don’t make any decisions when you’re upset please, I love you and I don’t want to be without you” he doesn’t sound like Marshall at all, he’s sensing the beginning of the end, I haven’t said it’s the end but his declaration of love pulls at my wretched heart.
“I told you from the start that Jack would come first Marshall and I meant that. You deserve to come first in someone’s life. I didn’t say it was over. I just meant it might not be as often as it has been but I really think you do deserve better.” He relaxes a little taking his spot back beside me on my bed “I’ll take what I can get Jas, I’m not giving you up baby” I hate myself, he hugs me and I can’t find it in myself to reciprocate his affection, I’m starting to distance myself from him. I decide I'm going to leave this conversation where it is at the moment, my earlier declaration of positivity starting to wane and I wanted to get to Jack.
“Get dressed, I’ll take you to you the hospital Jas, do you want to take anything in for Jack? I’ll take Rosie for a quick walk” and he heads out.
Awesome! that’s him in full denial then.
Everybody Hurts
By
REM
24. Everybody Hurts
Start from the beginning
