But no one ever wondered the hurt of being someone who has to leave.
Sometimes, it takes a million reasons for someone who has to leave. It is a long wide set of patience before you hit the stop button. Sometimes having to leave hurts because you tried your best to stay. And sometimes it is the best way.
A glimpse of memory struck my head.
Hugo snaked his arms around my waist, I giggled. Nagpadala ako sa hila niya. Sumiksik ako sa dibdib niya, saktong sakto para lamang sa akin. His fingers climbed inside my sweater, teasing me.
I rolled my eyes, grabbed his hand and placed it on my naked boobs. He chuckled and kissed my hair. Nanatili ang kamay niyang nakasalo sa isang dibdib ko. He loves grabbing my breast, ayaw lang niya aminin at nahihiya lang minsan.
Tignan mo, hindi na inalis.
"You haven't read the book I gave you," he said. Tinikom ko ang bibig ko nang maalala iyon.
"You gave me tons of books! Hindi ko masimulan kasi ang dami. I bet you haven't read all of them."
"I read those when I was thirteen."
Umirap ako. "Lahat?"
"Yes," malambing na usal niya at gamit ang isang kamay, hinawakan ang isang kamay ko. He intertwined our fingers and stared at it.
"You were a nerd." tumawa ako.
"It's not bad…"
"Would you want your children to be nerds, too?"
"Kung saan sila masaya."
Tumawa ako. I can't really bring up any jokes with him. Hindi siya sumasakay.
Nang matapos ang harutan namin ay naisipan niyang magluto ng pagkain namin. Between us, he's the cook. Masarap naman magluto si Hugo. I mean, he really cooks well. Iyon lang, there's at least once or twice that he fails. Kinakain ko pa din.
Bumangon ako para puntahan ang mga librong binigay niya sa akin. Since sometimes, I get bored alone here, he told me to try reading. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako pumayag, but whatever.
My hand reached to a book titled The Great Gatsby. Familiar since he said this is his favorite book. It's quite old. Nang buksan ko'y may doodles sa blank page. Ngumisi ako nang makita ang pangalan niyang nakasulat sa itim na ink. The handwriting was bad, he probably wrote this when he was a kid.
I stopped when I saw a handwriting at the end of the book. Ngumuso ako at nagtago ng bungisngis. A love letter?
If you ever found this letter, it's only two; you finished this book or you played with it and accidentally saw this.
But since you already found it, I want you to remember every word in this letter because I meant it with all my heart. I want you to read this again when the time is right. It may be 2 years from now, 5 years or even 10 years. Whenever you want, love.
You don't have to answer me now. I just want to write this down today. November 18, Tuesday. Just so you'll know that I've always wanted to do this since today.
Will you marry me?
Humagulgol ako makalipas ang ilang minuto. He left. I made him leave. Now, I'm all alone.
"No, no…" I cried.
Siguro sa buong panahon na umaalis ako sa tabi ni Hugo, kampante ako dahil alam kong kahit anong mangyari, nariyan pa din siya. Masyado akong kampante. And now, I took that away from me. This time, it's real.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. I grabbed my jacket and ran to the door. I was sobbing as I ran downstairs, wala na akong pakialam kung makita ang mukha ko. I don't care!
I hurriedly asked the receptionist while I was trying to wipe my tears away. Kuryoso ang mata ng receptionist nang makita ako. Mukhang natataranta din siya dahil humihikbi ako habang nagtatanong.
"Ay iyong gwapo? Kanina pa po umalis, Miss."
"What? Where?"
"Hindi ko po alam." kumamot siya sa batok. "Pamilyar ka, Miss. Ikaw ba si—"
Tumalikod ako at tumakbo sa exit door. Matindi ang tibok ng puso ko habang tumatakbo patungo sa parking lot. I was crying hard while it was raining lightly. Basa ang buhangin at kumapit iyon sa mga paa ko.
Malabo ang mga mata ko. I couldn't hear anything but my sobs and my shaking lips. I was mouthing his name until I couldn’t anymore. Humandusay ako sa sahig habang umiiyak.
"No, no, please…" hikbi ko.
I felt stupid. Everything I did was impulsive, he was right. I was always so hard on myself, he was right, too.
Isang busina ang natanggap ko kasabay ng nakakasilaw na ilaw. I couldn't stand, I probably couldn't open my eyes properly. A hand reached for my arm firmly and pulled me up.
My heart dropped when I saw him in front of me. I lost it, I lost everything.
That moment, for the very first time, I felt hope again. Humikbi ako sa hawak ni Hugo. I was out of breath because of crying.
"I'm sorry," I cried. "H'wag mo akong iwan. I can't do it anymore. I love you, I'm sorry…"
Hindi siya nagsalita.
Kumabog ang puso ko sa kaba.
I cried more. "Don't leave me, please. I'll be good, Hugo. I promise. I won't leave, I won't yell… I promise, I'll stay at home. Hindi na ako aalis. I promise, please…"
"I'm still not at peace, Nichoella."
Nagkatinginan kami sa gitna ng ulan. Pulang pula na siguro ang mukha ko kakaiyak. My lips were still shaking. Hugo was looking at me intently.
"What do you want me to do…" namamaos na sabi ko.
"Pakasalan mo ako."
I couldn't move.
I pulled him for a kiss. It was my answer.
If I have to read your letter again, I would say the same, Hugo.
"Please tell me I'm dreaming…" he breathed.
Umiling ako. "I want a big wedding."
He licked his lips. "Am I dreaming?"
"A huge diamond ring."
"Fuck…"
"And a long honeymoon."
"You're real. Oh, god…" he kissed me. "You won't get away this time. I swear…"
I smiled. I won't… I will never.
Hugo is the truth that I need. The warning I needed. My wake up call. The one who warns me of reality. That reality should hurt and it's okay because that's just how life is.
Kabanata 40
Start from the beginning
