What is scarier and painful? A hello or a goodbye?
I can't risk both. Hello is scary when you are already traumatised and scared to let people inside your life again. And goodbye is painful because you're not just saying farewell to the person, but to the memories that were once your safe place.
But I realized that goodbye is only painful when you know you'll never say hello again.
Everytime I look at Hugo, it reminds me of the woman who's been left behind alone. The part of me that has died and was lost until now. I could not feel anything but pure anger and hunger to take my revenge. But I know it won't end well for us.
Tulala ako kinabukasan habang nakatitig sa buong schedule ko ngayong araw. It's hectic. I have to finish all of these before going back to Manila. And it's already late.
Lumabas ako sa master's bedroom pagkatapos magbihis.
I am aware of the tantrums I threw last night. I couldn't sleep remembering every word I spit in front of his face. I have no one to blame except the alcohol and him. Syempre, siya lahat may kasalanan nito.
Kabado ako, hindi ko iyon matatanggi. It's actually a shame to feel nervous about seeing him today. Nadatnan ko siyang nakaupo sa bar stool habang nasa harapan ang kape at ang computer niya.
What a sight.
I walked in front of him. Humalukipkip ako.
His eyes looked at me, slowly. Malamig ang mga tingin niya sa akin na para bang walang kagana-gana ang nasa harapan niya.
"I am going back to Manila tomorrow and tonight's the party."
He raised his eyebrow.
Unti-unti kong naramdaman ang hiya. His stare looked like he had no idea why I was even saying that to him. Oo nga naman!
I cleared my throat. "I figured by the time I come home, you won't be here."
He paused for a while.
He pushed himself back. Kita ko ang hubad niyang pang-itaas na kanina pa kumakaway sa akin. His massive chest is wider and larger than usual. He must be working really hard with those biceps that could choke me without even trying.
He crossed his arms on his chest and clenched his jaw.
"My house is still under construction, Nichoella."
Oh, he has a house? That's great! Good for him!
I smiled sarcastically. "Well, how many weeks will it take—"
"7 months."
"7 what?!"
Umawang ang labi ko at sinuklay ang buhok. I looked at my wrist watch and saw that I was really late. Pero hindi iyon ang pinag-tuonan ko ng pansin.
Hugo's eyes relaxed as he scribbled on his laptop a bit. "I don't have a choice, Nichoella."
I gritted my teeth.
He looked at me, again. "Don't you have anywhere else to stay?"
Umirap ako. "Pinapaalis mo ako?"
"Wala akong sinabi. If you really hate to see me, then feel free to leave temporarily until I do."
"I have nowhere else to go."
He raised his eyebrow. "Your parents?"
I cleared my throat.
When I realized that the conversation looked overboard, I grabbed my purse. Tumuwid ako ng tayo at wala siyang emosyon na tinignan.
