Padabog niyang sinarado ang pintuan ng kwarto ko. Matalim ko siyang tinignan habang nag-aalis ng mask at ng jacket. Naka-bra lamang ako sa loob ng jacket kaya nakita niya iyon. Umiwas siya ng tingin at umigting ang panga.
Sumugod ako papunta sa kaniya at binato sa dibdib niya ang jacket na kaniya din.
"I was trying to get a job, Hugo!" I yelled.
"Alam mo ba kung ano ang trabahong pinapasok mo?"
"Well, I don't care! I need a job!" I screamed the hell out of me. "Why are you here, anyway? I broke up with you, Hugo. What are you doing here?"
"Pumayag ba ako?"
"What?" para akong nabingi.
Kumukulog sa labas. Matalim kong tinignan ang leak ng tubig galing sa sirang bintana. Pumikit ako ng mariin. Pulang pula na siguro ako sa galit ngayon. I could cry because of anger!
Namula ang mga mata ko. The sides of my eyes ached because of the tears trying to come through.
"Is this really what you want?" namamaos ang boses niya.
"I want you gone, Hugo." I said, bitterly. "I was happy… without you. Can't you see?"
Umiling siya at nilapitan ako. "You're not happy. I know you're not happy. Baby—"
"Hugo, please! Ayaw ko na. I've said everything. Hindi mo ba naiintindihan?"
"I'm doing the best I can, my love. I just want you to be patient, I promise…"
"I don't need you to do anything! Just please, leave me alone. Pinapahirapan mo lamang ako."
He gritted his teeth. "Why does anyone have to leave, Nichoella?"
"What do you want me to do? Everything is fucked up now!"
"Kung ganoon, iiwan mo ako? Kailangan iwanan kita?"
"It's not just between me and you! Hindi lang tungkol sa atin ito, Hugo. This is me being the problem!"
"Why are you so hard on yourself?"
Tumingala ako sa kaniya. Gulong gulo ang mga mata niya. My lips shaked. I couldn't answer it. I didn't think about it. Was I hard on myself?
"I want you to leave, Hugo."
"You're impulsive. You don't know what you're doing, you just can't admit it."
"No!"
"Hindi ako aalis."
"Kung mahal mo ako, maiintindihan mo ang desisyon ko."
Kumuyom ang palad niya. Hinilamos niya iyon sa namumula niyang mukha. I bit my lips. Tumingala ako para mapalis ang luhang nagbabadyang tumulo.
"If you don't have anything to say, just leave, Hugo. This will be the last time I'd like to see you…"
He looked at me, dead serious. I hid the pain in my eyes. He was hurting, I could see it. Parang isang pitik ko'y tuluyan na siyang susuko. The pain in his eyes stabbed me.
"Nichoella…" basag at nagmamakaawa ang boses niya.
Tumalikod ako at tumikhim. "Lock the door when you leave, please."
What hurts the most? The one that's left behind or the one that has to leave?
I've felt both.
And I must say that both of the situations are grievous. Being the one who's left behind hurts because mainly, you never wanted to leave. You will never leave. And being left behind is painful because at the same time, it's betrayal. Even if it's killing, you always choose to stay. In the end, you'll be the one who will stay along with the great sad memories you've built without knowing how long and how hard it is.
