Summerguard

CHAPTER 33: This is Who I am

"I find that you can't really love everything about a person. No one's perfect, but if it's who you are, it is who you are," she said, softly.

She inches a little closer till her hair grazes the skin on my shoulder. It tickles and I kind of think I know what she wants. I pat it invitingly so she knows if she wants, she can. She hesitates a little before tucking her head against my upper arm.

"This is who I am. I'm a veteran of the United States Marine Corps. I serve my country, protect my friends, and I just want to understand more about myself because just this summer I realized there is so much to learn and discover."

"And what's that?" she asks curiously.

I don't hesitate at all and it feels good telling someone else besides Paxton, "I'm bi and after all of this is finished, I can't wait to further explore this other side of me."

I look down at her to gauge her reaction. Is she disgusted? Confused? Flustered? But she snuggles deeper into my chest and kisses my scar.

Shoot, there are those bursts of dandelion seeds in my chest again. 

"That sounds like a magnificent adventure, baby angel," she smiles. 

Is it though? My adventures... my life seems to always lead to misfortune. I can make things go boom, I have been through the most extreme climates unimaginable, and I have made my way through life all alone. My hope for a fairytale adventure should not be frightening. But it isn't a fairytale. That's why. Maybe... 

Fairytales are when princesses get saved by their Prince Charming, kiss a Beast or a Frog and you get this handsome bloke that will make you jump in their arms and shout for marriage. Agh! But my fairytale. It's nothing like that. I like women. That's not a fairytale. That's a... crime against fairytales. A nightmare!

No. No. Shut up. Shut up. What is wrong with me? I'm not afraid of anything. I'm not some pathetic child relying on princess stories. I'm not a criminal. 

"Hey, hey. Relax, Nicky. Relax," Joy sputters, shaking me lightly. 

"I am relaxed!" I snap.

I push her off aggressively but instantly regret it when she looks at me with shock. 

"Shoot, I'm sorry. You surprised me. I'm not good with physical touch. Not that I am justifying what I did. Did I hurt you?" I cover my mouth and roll off the bed away from her. 

I need to go. I did something stupid. I can't stay here. I'll dig a foxhole in the park. Is that allowed?

Agh, stupid. Stupid. This is why I don't get near people. Aghhh, come on. Just calm down. Slap. Slap. Slap. Wake up. Forget about being stupid. 

"Hey, hey, hey. Nicky, stop it. I'm going to get in front of you if you don't stop," Joy warns in a distance, but all I see is the door. I need to go. 

"Stop," Joy holds her arms up and blocks the door. 

I don't know how I look and I don't know if she can see me, but mind you it is still completely pitch black in our room. All I recognize is the panic in my breaths and the adrenaline coaxing me to run. Just run. Run outside and just run. 

"I know you're upset, baby angel. You're not breathing. In, out. Nice, breathe in, Nicky," she encourages me softly, not moving an inch away from the door. 

Despite my natural instinct to storm through her, I can't hurt her. I don't hurt people. No, I won't hurt my friend. I won't hurt her. She's Joy. What does that mean? Well, it means something to me, and like a switch, the blurriness and the ringing static open back up my senses. I stand in the frozen cold as if I woke up from a nightmare. I can't blink or think. I can only look ahead of myself. I can only look at her eyes. They are leveled equally and calmly, but sag in deep blinks. 

"I'm going to get away from the door and step near you now. Is that okay?" she asks. 

My body refuses to move or say anything. It stays still as she slowly inches in front of me. I never leave her vision. I feel if I look away, I will do stupid things again. 

"What's going on in that head of yours, baby angel?" she whispers and brings her hand to my cheek. 

I anticipate a slap or a punch to beat me to the floor, so I naturally flinch and throw my head to the side. She reflexively retracts. 

I don't have to be scared. It's not them. It's not those who hurt me. They're far away. It's Joy. I reach back for her hand and place it on my cheek. 

It stays there unmoving but after a second, she brushes my skin rhythmically and attentively as if tracing the intricate patterns of a mosaic masterpiece. 

It makes me feel safe. She's not going to hurt me.

"Does that happen often?" she asks. 

I shake my head, "Hasn't happened in many months. I got help for it, but things right now are very stressful and I sort of snapped and everything poofed. I'm so sorry."

"Hey, it's okay. You don't have to talk about it or anything. I'm here for whatever you need," she smiles in between sleepy nods. 

I have never met anyone so patient and kind. I know that I do things that normal people do not. I may look like any other white, English, woman, and have that standard midwestern accent, but under the surface, there's a lot more than my looks. I just wish people will learn and understand that. I wish I was brave enough to put my faith in someone to see me for me. 

I take her arm and lead her to the bed. After getting tucked back in, I sigh in relief when sleep starts shadowing me.

"I didn't come here to save Chrysos from evil and stop the bad guys. I meant it when I said I care about you, Nicky. You deserve your adventure after all this chaos is over. You will get your own story. I just wanted you to know that," Joy whispers. 

I care about you more than I can even describe in words. I was never great at using my words when growing up. And I still struggle to say what is on my mind. But translating the millions of thoughts racing at speeds of Timber hurt a lot. It confuses me even more when touchy-personal moments arise. I don't do personal or affectionate or close. But I know I do care about you because if you were anyone else I would hide far far away. But with you, I know you care for me and won't hurt me. You've done nothing but help me and no amount of gratitude or words can say what I have beating in me. 

I roll onto her side and clutch her hand to my chest. Will she understand? 

"Awww, how can you be so vicious one moment, but so cute the next?" she giggles. 

Cute? Me? Cute? 

Spades is cute.

I, cute? 

"I guess you're already asleep. Goodnight, baby angel."

♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠

She cute? They cute? Who cute?