My Sister's Best Friend

30

As soon as Maddie leaves the room, my chest is tightening up in the familiar way that shakes me to my very core. In seconds my palms are sweating excessively and it feels like I can't breathe. Too much has happened tonight. Between Maddie and Cameron basically despising me, to now being unable to be with Maya, I'm not surprised I'm having an anxiety attack, I just wish my body could figure out a way to control itself. I shouldn't be this weak. I should be able to get ahold of my emotions, but it's like all sense of rationality flies directly out the window when this happens. I can't think straight.

Sinking against the wall of my bedroom, I sit down on the floor of clothes on my carpet and tug my knees up to my chest. I blink away tears, breathing deeply in and out, but the restriction doesn't stop. It tightens more, so I bury my head between my knees and try to ignore the way my heart is beating too fast-- the kind of fluttering that makes me think I'll stop breathing at any given moment.

I'm full-on sobbing now, clutching my chest to try and get it to stop. Why am I like this? Why can't I just be normal? This shouldn't be this fucking difficult to get a handle on. I shouldn't be--

"Ethan?"

I open my eyes to my mom standing above me, blinking away tears of her own. A hand of hers is placed over her mouth as she tries to figure out what to do-- eventually sinking onto her knees in front of me, ignoring the clothes that gets in her way. "Honey, What's going on?"

This entire time I've been fighting to keep this a secret, but as my mom's hand rests on my back, I realize that maybe I've just been waiting for someone in my family to notice. For someone to give a shit. And it's not like I don't understand why my mom hasn't focused her attention on me. My dad is having an affair on her, so she's been distracted. Having her with me right now though completely opens the floodgates, and I ask her to do the only thing that works. Exactly what Maya taught me.

"H-hug me." I gasp between sobs. "It has to be tight. Hug me tight."

She brings me to her chest and her arms wrap tighter around me than they've ever been before. I try to gain control of my breathing as my tears soak her cashmere sweater, and as the warmth of her hug surrounds me, as I breathe in her familiar scent, I find the tightness in my chest slowly start to dissipate.

I'm so tired of lying. I'm so tired of putting on a front that I'm okay when I'm breaking inside. For the first time, I'm going to be honest, and I'm going to tell my mom what's been going on. I'm sick of feeling like shit all the time.

"I've been having these anxiety attacks for a while now," I say, "They happen suddenly, but mostly when I've been under a lot of stress."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner? What on earth has you this stressed?"

Telling her about the affair would be stupid. I'm not technically lying if I don't tell her, it's just withholding information to spare her the heartache that would come with it. I don't want her to know that I overheard their conversation when she found that woman's number. I don't want her to blame herself for me having these anxiety attacks when they started long before I found out that piece of information. It doesn't need to be told.

"Uh, Maya and I broke up. We haven't been together for that long, but her parents found out and didn't approve."

My mom seems confused. "About her dating you?"

"About her dating someone like me."

The truth settles between us in uncomfortable silence, and as she pieces together the reason we can't be together, she lets out a frustrated sigh and brushes a few strands of hair away from my face. "They don't know what they're missing out on then," She says, "And I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I could tell how much you liked her."

I nod and wipe away more of my tears.

"But we need to get you help, Ethan. There are so many medicines out there that can make these attacks manageable. You don't need to live like this, honey, and I want to make you an appointment with the doctor first thing in the morning. Is that alright?"

I nod again and let out a deep breath, relieved that I'm finally accepting the help. I've been against it for so long, but I'm starting to realize that I can't handle this on my own. I need something extra to help get me through, and I'm hoping that whatever medicine they put me on is going to do the job.

"Now let me go and make you some soup." She says and rises to her feet. "Soup makes everything better, right?"

For the first time all day, I smile. She's making soup for me for once rather than Cameron, and it feels nice. I wasn't planning on her finding out, but sometimes I think everything happens for a reason, and I'm grateful she walked into my room when she did. I didn't understand just how much the weight of holding my problems in was weighing me down, but suddenly it's as if it's easier to breathe.

"Mom?" I call out. She pauses by my door, anxiously awaiting what I'll say next. "Please, don't tell dad or Maddie. I don't need them to worry about me. Can we just keep this between us for now?"

"It's not my business to tell," She replies, "When you're ready we can tell them together."

When she leaves me alone in my room, and the silence overwhelms me, I stare up at the ceiling and let out another deep breath. Anxiety attacks leave me exhausted whenever they're finished. My eyes are swollen and stinging, and it takes all the effort I have to even move off of my floor. I collapse down on my bed and shove my face into a pillow, trying to get the nightmares of today out of my mind.

Maya still hasn't called, and the truth of us being over eats away at me. I'm still holding onto a sliver of hope that her parents will magically change their minds. I know it's crazy, but if I don't have this tiny chance to hold onto then I think I might break, and I can't let myself do that no matter how much I may want to.

Things are going to get better. I'm going to start medicine, and maybe then the feeling of losing Maya won't feel so bone-crushing. It won't feel like I'm neck-deep in an ocean waiting for a wave to swallow me whole.

Things will get better. I remind myself. They will get better.

A/N:

ahhhhh :(

Anxiety attacks are the absolute worst. I've battled with severe anxiety my entire life, and if anyone else does too, you aren't alone! Lexapro was the best thing to ever happen to me, and it's okay to need the help of medicine to get you by. You're not supposed to be able to handle stressful situations all by yourself.

What did you guys think of the chapter? I know this one was short, so I'm sorry! The other chapters will be longer :)

It's looking like this story will have two more chapters! I can't wait to release them <3

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