Live|Laugh|No Love

36

"You've lost your mind Louis."

"Why? because ham goes on pizza and so does jalapeños!" I laugh lightly.

"That's disgusting! You ruined the pizza by adding those toppings." Bax fights back.

"Pepperoni and cheese is boring, it's good but it's boring and well, I'm not a boring person so I don't want a boring fucking pizza!"

"Like I said... you've lost your damn mind."

"To be honest I lost my fucking mind awhile ago." I say not meaning it as a joke. Because I have. I lost my mind when I lost Harry. Have I lost him? Am I still his? Is he still mine? It's been months and I've still not heard a single thing from him. I stand up throwing my napkins in the trash from my greasy pizza fingers. Bax leaves a tip even though I told him I'd be the one leaving the tip. We've been hanging out often, every other day, sometimes every day. He's been helpful. He knows a little about what's happened to me and why I've had such a hard time opening up and telling him about myself but he hasn't once judged me or said one bad word to me or about me. I've had several panic attacks out of the blue and bax has been there to help me through them. I guess you could say I'm not lonely like I thought I'd be sense I moved here. The question about being single or taken hasn't been brought up yet thankfully, and I'm glad it hasn't because like I said before, I don't fucking know myself! Do I want to be single? Fuck no, I don't want to be back on the market. I want Harry, he's all I think about. Even when I'm with Bax, Harry is all I think about. No matter what I'm doing. Art work, waking up, going to sleep, right before I fall asleep, when I eat, shower, I think of him when I do anything! He's apart of me and I don't know how much longer I can do this. Do life without him. I'm tired of being unhappy, I'm a little happier now but that's because I can see a little of Harry in Bax. His tattoos, the rings he wears, how tall he is, bluntly honest, he doesn't care about other peoples opinions. My happiness is Harry but it's starting to hit me. he's gone, I don't have him. Every day I wake up only for the realization to be truer. Five months have gone by and I was holding on, holding on so fucking tight but the hold is getting to hard to keep a grasp on. I don't want to let go. I don't. But I moved here to have a new start, just like Harry said.

Maybe it's time.

"You ok?" I snap my head to the side from looking at the ground.

"Just thinking."

"About him?" I nod my head pressing my lips together.

"What about em?"

"Uh..." I clear my throat.

"Maybe it's time to let go? Stop holding on to something that's not coming back?" I say. Bax sighs out throwing his heavy arm around my shoulder.

"Lou, lou, lou."

"Hmm?" I look at him.

"I want to tell you something."

"Um, ok?" I look at him in question.

"Let him go, if he comes back it was meant to be. If he doesn't, he's a dumb ass!"

"Wow really Bax?" Bax giggles.

"No but seriously lou, they say if you love someone set them free, if they come back it was meant to be. I just think he's giving you as much time as possible to get your life together and straightened out. From what you've told me, it sounds like he really does love you and he doesn't want to be a selfish asshole. Maybe one day I'll get to meet the lad myself." My eyes go wide.

"I never have heard that before but it seems to make sense some what but umm, for the last part of that sentence, I don't know if I'd want you to meet him."