runaway.

chapter 16 - the amber alert.

luke.

after stella gets discharged from the hospital, the thought of her lingers on my mind for the rest of my shift. i have this feeling deep in my gut that something bad is about to happen. her parents were interesting to say the least. presentable and well mannered, sure, but when her father shook my hand, i could tell he was a rough man. while perfectly spoken today, i couldn't forget her mother's voice synonymous with the disoriented woman who yelled at me over the phone when i called stella's home one day. something about them did not seem right and i let her go anyways. she told me she didn't want to go home and i let her. she's slipped away from me into danger once again.

i'm thinking about her so much that it begins to interfere with my ability to work in the next few days. i can hardly focus on my patients and feel like i'm rushing through my appointments. most parents ask tons of questions about care at home, but stella's kept assuring me stella would be fine. it didn't seem that they meant she'd be fine because they'd take care of her. besides, i know stella. this meant that stella would get through it on her own. i feel this incredible guilt each time i let this happen. it eats away at me as i think of all the terrible things stella could be going through away from my careful supervision.

no one can keep her safe the way i can. i continuously remind her what a dangerous world it is out there. i know she's witnessed it for herself now, in the worst way possible. i couldn't sleep for nights after she came in following her sexual assault. seeing her so fragile and distressed broke my heart. in a way, i felt like i let that happen to her because i was dumb enough to leave her alone after she tried to run. i let her get away. everytime i lose sight of her, she comes back in worse condition.

i ended up getting off my shift later than i expected. paperwork took much longer than it should have as i kept having to backtrack after my mind wandered off about stella. its almost 1 in the morning by the time i arrive home and the only thing i want to do is wash the day off and go to bed. i waste no time getting right to it, making sure to plug my phone into charge before i hop in.

as the warm water hits my back, my mind replays moments from the last time i saw her. it feels like torture envisioning stella so scared and shaken up again. forcing her to go through with the pelvic exam was one of the hardest things i've ever done as a doctor. all i wanted to do was scoop her off the table and hold her until all her tears dried up. i can still feel the look of her watery eyes up at me, silently begging to be let go. i felt so upset about the situation myself that it took everything in me to not release a tear. i had to be strong for her.

she said she liked when i called her kid. what kid says that? this has stuck with me like nothing else she has said before. i found it cute in the moment, but the more that i think about it, the more i find it bizarre. kids, especially stella, love to act big and grown. i know that confident, bad girl is a total facade, yet seeing her with her walls down scared me a bit. her sobs came from a place deep within. i fear the real stella madden is scared and broken.

after stepping out of the shower, i spend an extra five minutes staring at myself in the mirror, dissociating. i couldn't even text or call her. i know she wouldn't answer. when she was out of my touch, she was out of my reach too. she was basically non-existent. no traces of her online or at school or around town. stella was a ghost girl to everyone else, but not me. i can't let her be on the run forever.

the first thing i do upon returning to my room is unplug my phone from my charger. my heart drops into the pit of my stomach at the sight of the only notification on the screen.

(1) Missed Call: Stella Madden (35 minutes ago)

it feels like i have to blink three more times to confirm that this is real and my eyes haven't played a trick on me. stella... called? instead of feeling relieved that she has finally reached out, i feel sick. sick enough that i could run back to the bathroom, lurch over the toilet bowl, and violently vomit. i couldn't imagine how bad things had to be that stella would finally utilize my number. maybe she had a nightmare and called me like i instructed her to do. i doubt it.