Emotional Detachment

First session

"Why do they think you shut them down? Are there any specific episodes during childhood or any recent?"

Kim didn't answer and looked down at the file in his hand. "Would it make you feel more comfortable if you knew all about me?" Dr. Park asked, looking over at the file. Kim looked up at the man. Patience was all he saw. The man was patient.

Why was he so patient and relaxed? When Kim sat with his whole life in his hands? 

"You don't mind that I have this?" Kim asked him, holding up the file.

"If it makes it easier for you to open up about your past, by knowing mine, well, go for it"

Kim thought for a moment, glancing down at the file and then up at Park again. 

"I'll trust my brothers for now." He then threw the file onto the coffee table 

"They might be stupid at times, but they have their moments" Dr. Park nodded. Kim wasn't sure why though. "We don't have to talk about your feelings if you don't want to. We can talk about anything that'll make you feel comfortable"

"I don't think I'll feel comfortable no matter what" 

"Why not? Do you dislike opening up to people in general? Or is it because it's emotions?" 

"I don't like when people can read me. I don't like it when people can figure out who I am, and predict how I'm going to react"

"Do you fear it'll be used against you?" Kim fell silent for a moment. He hated what he was doing to the people around him. Manipulation. 

"Yes" 

"Why?"

"Why? Because if people can get into your head, you're dead. People can find your weakness and use it against you" 

"Make you act irrationally, or on your feelings, right?" Kim leaned back in his seat, hand by his mouth, eyes staring suspiciously at Dr. Park. "I don't like the way you finish my sentences" 

"My apologies. I'll let you speak freely. I'm just trying to help you realize what you're saying, well what you might be feeling"

"And what would that be? What would I be feeling?" 

"You want me to take a guess?"Kim nodded "Yes, give your best shot" Dr. Park let out a deep breath before Leaning back in his chair. "Okay."

"You believe you're in control of your emotions because you don't act nor react to them because you ignore them and shove them somewhere they'll never be seen. You like to know people's true intentions, read them like a book to see if you can trust them."

"You believe feelings make you weak. That reacting to them, letting them show, is a sign of weakness" 

"Sure you can smile, show frustration, anger, happiness, but it's so little you believe people can't tell how intensely you are actually feeling these emotions" Kim didn't say anything, nor did his face show any obvious sign of being surprised, but he was. They both knew he was taken aback, and perhaps a little scared of what Park had said. As said, Kim didn't like when people could read him. 

"Why do I need therapy for that?" He asked, "why do I need therapy for shoving away my emotions, and not reacting to them?" 

"Why do you believe you are alright, shoving all these feelings away?" 

Kim was silent again, turning his head lazily. "Because I don't hurt people, and I don't hurt myself. I can control what I let hurt me, I can react rationally and not let my emotions blind me" Park didn't say anything and Kim didn't like the look on his face as he listened. It was obvious, to him, Kim needed therapy.