I don't want to feel better

Imma die

My wrist was bleeding nonstop and I felt satisfied so I grabbed some paper towels to put pressure on the cuts. After about 5 minutes my arm stopped bleeding and I put a bunch of bandaids over them.

I smiled and pulled my sleeve down and cleaned everything up before leaving the bathroom. I made my way back to my room and only stumbled a little bit on the stairs. I walked into my room and saw Tubbo and Ranboo playing on their computers. They were talking and making random jokes.

"Oh hey Tommy" Tubbo turned around."Ranboos streaming by the way!"

I smiled and waved to the camera and laid back down in bed. I opened my phone before hearing Tubbo and Ranboo start talking again.

"Hey Ranboo mods can we get emote only right now I don't think anyone wants people talking about Tommy." Tubbo said.

I glanced over to them and gave them a small smile before turning back to my own entertainment. I pulled the blankets over myself and rested my hand under my head. I tried to watch random old YouTube videos and such to distract myself. I laid there for a while before my arm felt wet. I looked at it confused before standing up and going to the bathroom. I pulled up my sleeve and there was blood leaking through the band aids and onto my hoodie sleeve

I quickly opened the cupboard only to find we were out of bandaids. I sighed and left the room and went to the downstairs bathroom to try and change these bandaids. After I had fixed my arm and made sure I wasn't gonna bleed out I went back to my room.

When I re entered the room Ranboos computer was off and he was just chatting with tubbo while they were sitting in their chairs.

"Hey guys" I said and gave them a smile.

"Hey tom's what's up?" Ranboo asked.

"Nothing much just chilling how bout the both of you." Both of them responded with something along the lines of 'just ended a stream' and 'just chilling like always'

I'm happy they don't treat me any differently after finding out about all of this shit. I know they probably think of me differently but what can I do about that.

As far as they know, I'm trying to get better. They don't have to know the truth of what I just did. They probably will never know about this situation and that's exactly how I want it to be.

We sat around and chatted for a while. After a long while I laid down in bed and closed my eyes. It was only 12 pm but I was exhausted. I heard the click of the light switch and Tubbo and Ranboo leaving the room.

"Get some sleep Tommy." Ranboo said as he closed the door leaving me in darkness minus the window light through the curtains. I sighed and attempted to fall asleep. It didn't work so I ended up laying in bed and staring at the ceiling.

I saw a sliver of light coming from under the door after a while. The door creeped open.

"Tommy?" Ranboo whispered "you awake?"

"Yeah what's up man." I fake yawned and sat up

"Do you wanna come hang out with me and Tubbo? It's fine if your too tired." He said

"I'm good man. I'll join you later if I feel like it." I said and he closed the door. As I continued to lay in bed I felt more and more like going and cutting again. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I looked around my room for a hopeful sence of comfort but there wasn't really anything.

I slowly stood up to make sure I wouldn't get dizzy. I walked down the hall to wilburs room and knocked on the door

"I'm streaming! Who is it!" He shouted from inside

"It's Tommy." I said as I opened the door a little bit. I took a step in and closed the door behind me.

"Hey man what do you need?" Wil asked

"Nothing I just don't really want to be alone right now. Is it okay if I stay in here for a little bit?" I responded and Wil nodded. I sat down on the small been bag chair he had in his room and just spaced out. Thinking about random stuff.

Maybe I should've come in here when I wanted to cut the first time. He would've understood. Or maybe he would've yelled at me. We'll never know.

I laid back and sighed before opening my phone and scrolling through random stuff.

"Alright chat I'm gonna go, see you all next stream!" I heard Wil say as he turned off his monitor and set up. He made his way over to me and sat on the floor infront of me.

"What's going on Tommy?" He said

"I already told you that I didn't want to be alone." I responded with a little bit of annoyance

"And why don't you want to be alone?" He asked

"I'd prefer to not lay in the dark with my own thoughts." I said and Wil looked at me with a half smile that held a little but of worry and sympathy.

I let him reach forward and give me a hug.

"I'm happy you trust me Tommy. I was really worried I had messed everything up." He said

"I couldn't stay mad forever your basically my brother, I only wish I had come a little sooner." I said and hung my head.

"What do you mean by that?" He asked

"Nothing don't worry about it.." I said. I hated lying to him. I don't want to tell him but at the same time maybe it's the better thing to do.

"Come on tommy, what's wrong? Did you.. no, tommy come on you said you'd stop." He said

Well I guess it's to late to lie now.

"I know Wil I know. I don't even know why I did it but I feel so stupid now. Please don't be mad at me." Wil leaned over and gave me another hug.

"Don't worry about it tommy. Everything is going to be fine and what's done is done. The only thing now is that you learn from this alright? There is no reason to cut yourself. I'll always be right down the hall Tommy. And Dream along with Phil and kale is right across the hall." Wilbur said "your not going to get through this if you isolate yourself. Let me help you, let us help you."

I hugged Wilbur back and smiled through my tears.

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Word count: 1808

This took so long to make I'm so sorry guy. I've been unmotivated and very unstable. I don't know how writing things like this is going to mess with my head so I was trying to take it slow. I hope you all are doing amazing

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