BALH 2 OS

Dear Shivi

Morning rays glistened on the silver bracelet, the air was cool and warm at the same time. The half-drawn curtains, closed cupboards, and the unmade bed reeked of Shivina's presence.

Every morning, Ram stood there to watch the sunrise. As the first rays of sun seeped into the room, he would close his eyes and soak in every memory from her birth to death. When he first held her, his entire world lightened and as he watched her lifeless body burn away, he watched his world turned grey.

A lone tear escaped his eyes as he painfully relived her last words. There were days he would wake feeling the heaviness in his hand, her presence, ghost-like, hung over, making him unable to move. It's been five years and the emptiness in his life continued to haunt him.

Remembering Shivina was his prayer and penance.

Ram placed the silver bracelet on his palm. It was coarse yet tender, the butterfly patterns etched onto his skin. This had become a ritual, to allow her memories to wash over him, take him back to peaceful times. He remembered Shivina as a child, wearing the bracelet over her ring finger, swirling it and running around the house for hours. Later she would fall asleep on his bed, exhausted after her never-ending game, and the butterflies tattooed onto her skin.

"Bhai," there was a slight knock on the door and Shubham stood right outside the room His head lowered and there was a pang of strange unseen guilt in his eyes.

"I'll come now," Ram said, his voice hoarse. He placed the bracelet on the table and was about to draw the curtains. There was a meditative silence in the room and the silence was a balm to his ever-aching heart.

"Shubham, wait, why you never enter her room?" Ram asked, his eyes fixed on the butterfly patterns of the bracelet.

"I don't" Shubham let out a laboured breath and rested his head against the door.

His eyes looked exhausted, almost as if he hadn't slept for days, and Ram wished to reach his brother and console him. Maybe there was a bit of old Ram still left in him, maybe not everything turned cold.

"I know. You walk through the corridor every day and watch me stand here."

Shubham said nothing for a minute or two. Ram observed that his brother was struggling to form words.

"There is a sacredness to the way you stand. I wouldn't disturb it for the world. Today," Shubham swallowed in a mouthful of air, "today, I had to call you because there is something that needs your attention."

Watching a sober Shubham was such a rare sight. Ram smiled at Shubham's words, an earnest, gentle smile, something he thought got lost while grieving.

"Sit" Ram gestured.

With a hesitant step, Shubham walked in. He stood still for a few minutes, allowing the silence in the room to grow. Both of them sat on the floor cross-legged. The cold tiles warmed them. Pale yellow walls shifted and turned as sunlight gleamed through the window. Happy and sad memories were frozen in the room, and with every glint of light that fell, a memory awaked in Ram's thoughts. This was how he kept himself alive all these years, filling his hollow heart with Shivina's presence.

"I wronged her. I wronged you," Shubham whispered.

"You didn't, you were her favourite brother" Ram chuckled, remembering all the times Shivina rushed to hug Shubham. It didn't matter anymore. He would have preferred to live as Shivina's afterthought rather than without her.

"That's because you weren't just her brother. You raised her Bhai. I am sorry, I was never there for you. Like everyone else, I too left"

"You were grieving too," Ram said, "no, you are grieving"

In all these years, there had always been a puzzling distance between Ram and Shubham. Shivina was the bridge that connected them, and because of her odd little ways, her laughter and tears, they had enough shared memories, enough to hold them to each other.

"The vanilla scent still lingers in the air," Shubham said with a smile. He gazed at the faint butterfly mark on Ram's hand. The bracelet was Ram's first gift to Shivi. His mother's bracelet, Shivi, never wore them. As a child, she used to wrap it around her finger and later she used to keep it under her pillow like a protective spell. She believed that her Ram bhai's mother's blessings would ward off her nightmares.

"I wonder whether she realised how much she loved you" Shubham paused, "I think she did. In all her antics, in all her stubbornness, in all her fights, she knew you will be there for her. Always"

"Remember how she cried for days because you used her perfume" Ram laughed, wiping a tear from his eyes. Shivina's memories hovered over all his thoughts.

"And you had to fly to Europe to get her an extra bottle"

"I miss her" Ram uttered the words for the first time in five years and strangely he said them to the person he least expected to say.

"I miss her too," Shubham said after a minute of silence. "Bhai, I cannot promise to change overnight and become the brother you deserve, but I will try to be better every day"

Shubham stared at him, his eyes welled with unsaid words.

For the briefest second, the world was still, and Ram smiled. Shubham may not be the greatest brother, but with him by his side, life could be a bit better and a little less said.

"Bhai, I am...!"

He placed his hand on Shubham's shoulder. There was an odd calmness in the air, and orange-red hues of sunlight brightened the room.

"Shivina would be happy," Ram said.