If I were a girl

3

Felix went back home that day, not even bothering to soothe his grumbling stomach first before he made his way upstairs. He told himself that he wouldn't cry.

As he prepared himself for bed, he observed himself in the mirror. Teary brown eyes, limp blonde locks of hair, tiny button nose, tiny torso, tiny muscles, tiny everything but he has somehow managed to develop the biggest crush on his best friend.

Chan must be laughing at him right now.

He couldn't stand it. He was disgusted at his reflection, at himself and his actions. Remembering the mistake he'd made caused him ball his eyes out for what seemed like the seventh time now.

Was he really that undesirable? What about him made him unworthy and undeserving of Chan's affections? Why couldn't it be easy, why wouldn't Chan kiss him back?

His attraction to him was organic and came easily. Why couldn't it be easy now, like it was all those years ago?

He thought back to the days when they were younger. When he'd first met him. Felix and his family had just migrated to South Korea after his mom had gotten a job.

He was terribly shy and struggled with his Korean then, only having little training from media they watched and expressions they shared at home. Not long after they'd settled, his mother had said they'd be visiting a friend.

Mother introduced Felix and his sisters to her friends, Mrs and Mr Bang. At that time they seemed like giants but he greeted due to manners he was trained with.

"They are so cute. This one's Hannah. You should meet Chan, where's that scoundrel? Chan!"

Felix turned his head to the figure that was aggressively kicking a ball, turning his head to take notice of everyone looking at him. The unfamiliar boy wasn't intimidated by the attention, instead he ran towards them and greeted with his chubby cheeks pushed out.

Felix knew then that they'd get along just fine.

He held Chan so dear to him that when he threw his eleventh birthday, he only requested that the Bang's be the only one that attended. His mother immediately hopped to that idea, not because she knew why little Felix held that sentiment but because it cut down on her costs.

The two families ate cake, jumped on the bouncy castle they owned all to themselves as the kids next door watched in envy.

Felix fell down repeatedly on the slippery plastic, and Chan held his brotherly hands out for Felix. Felix stared at them and took his aid with ease. Years later, he noticed he was never invited to a birthday party in the block.

Most importantly, he discovered that he wanted to hold Chan's hand more- and not in a brotherly way.

Felix was at the edge of middle school, eight grade, when he realised how much time he invested in dreaming up a world where they were more than just friends.

It hit him like a truck to realise that he was painstakingly head over heels for Chan. His world came crashing down right then.

He tried to push it down, and drown it out, he really tried. But it all intensified tenfold when he shot into puberty and hormones began kicking in.

His mind, consumed with thoughts of Chan. He caught himself constantly dreaming of Chan's curls, or the short shorts he wore during p.e, or even the small things, like how his lips puckered out a bit when Felix made a joke against him.

Unfortunately, everyone else's hormones began kicking in too and they too began seeing the world in a different light. They began to recognise certain things, rebellion, lust, depression, love and most of all, they easily recognised people that aren't like them. People who didn't fit in the status quo. Felix for instance.