Infirmitas

Chapter 5: My Saving Grace

"Soon. But not right now."

"I promised Namjoon hyung that I'll bring home crabs."

Why is that Namjoon always included in the conversation?

"Why can't we go?" He sulkily insisted.

"Do not ask anymore. I don't...want to lie to you."

"Not telling is considered as lying."

"Jungkook."

"Why can't you tell me? It's okay if we can't go. I just want to know why you can't tell the reason. I just want to know why you can't tell me many things."

He has been keeping his curiosity in out of his obedience. But I know that he knows that there is something I've been hiding. He just doesn't pry for the answers. Until now.

"What happened all those years? Where have you been? What have you been doing?"

Will you still look at me the same once you know what I've done? What I'm still doing?

"Did you get caught up with bad men?"

I did. And I turned to be one. I am one of the bad men.

"You can tell me."

I can't. "I told you. What I do and what I am, it must be kept a secret. Including the reason why we can't go to the beach."

He stared at me with probing eyes. Take it. Let it go. Just like what you always do. Please.

"But you'll visit me on my birthday?"

I sighed. "I'm visiting you now."

He frowned. "You have to stay away for a while?"

"I'm sorry."

"Let's go on your birthday then."

He smiled. Finally.

I know I've been selfish. Keeping him like this and indulging myself with his affection despite of the grave mistake I've done nineteen years ago. My burdens right now, the life I am living, I know it is karma. It's to pay for my recklessness and irresponsibility that day. I can't even be mad when the person who bore us abandoned me. I deserved it. It was my fault that I lost Jungkook. I should not have left him.

I am selfish. I should have stayed away when I finally found him. I should have been contented to know that he's alive and well. Instead, I came close. My life is awful. I am in living hell. But I feel like I am not whenever I am with him. So much so that I nearly got convinced that life is beautiful. It isn't. And now, I am endangering him. They wanted to use him against me. Because he is my weakness. Indeed. But he's also my strength. I won't let them get to him. I will turn the world upside down to find everyone who wanted to hurt him. I will do everything. I will protect his life even if I have to send many to their deaths.

■■■

19 years ago

Seokjin nervously watched as little Jungkook went down the slide. He raised both his hands up, beaming as he slid. He landed hard on his butt. Seokjin's breath hitched. Then, Jungkook scrunched his nose and smiled.

"Kookie is okay, hyung." He said as he ran back to slide again.

Seokjin went behind him and held his waist to help him climb.

"Kookie can climb alone. I'm a big boy."

The older brother chuckled and stepped back. He walked to the front and watched as he slid again and again. Seokjin roamed his eyes around the playground. It was filled with children dressed in pretty, bright clothes. He looked down on his old black jacket and faded jeans then turned his eyes on Jungkook's washed out red hoodie, yellowed white sleeves, hand me down denim pants and ragged black sneakers. He can't help but feel envious. His little brother deserved better. He wished he could give him nicer clothes.