irrevocable

{Six}

invisible string // Taylor Swift

Holly

How did this happen? I've stumbled into some sort of alternate life where I get dressed up and go on dates and have text conversations with a guy. I don't know whose life this is.

True to his word, Jackson texted me last night and again this morning. It was a simple, are you doing okay, both times but still not something I'm used to.

The butterflies that took flight when I saw his name on my notifications just about undid me. These things don't happen to me. I've had boys interested before. In high school, a few even tried to take me out. It never lasted. I'd end up ghosting them without realizing that's what I was doing. But no boy needed to deal with my dad. He'd return from a long haul and I'd disappear. Literally. Dad would keep me out of school for a few days to deal with whatever he didn't want to deal with at home. My mom, the laundry, making his meals. Then he'd be back out with the guys or the club and I'd go to school again. By then whichever guy had been showing interest would be mad that I hadn't returned their texts or calls. I was too embarrassed to tell them my dad had locked up my phone or that I was too nervous to even check it when he'd let me hang on to it. Out of sight out of mind, that's the rule I lived by when he was home. I stayed quiet, did as I was told, and kept to myself as much as possible. The less he noticed my existence, the better.

"Holly, you leaving soon?" Mom calls from her bedroom. Today was a rough day for her. I feel bad leaving her alone but if I stay, I'll end up angry with her. I can't keep missing out on my life.

"I think so. Jackson is on his way." I check my reflection in the mirror one last time. Hair in soft curls, a delicate necklace with a little heart charm that reminds me of childhood for some reason, my soft yellow sun dress with thin straps that tie at my shoulders and a cute flowy skirt. I like feeling this way, light and happy. With a deep breath I return to the final tasks before leaving mom for the night.

I bring a tray of snacks and water into her room, fluff her pillows and make sure she's comfortable. "Do you need anything else before I go?"

"No, thanks baby. You have a good time. I miss the days of going out with friends and enjoying the night."

When I told her Jackson wanted to take me somewhere, she was surprisingly excited for me. None of the guilt trip questions came up the way they did last night. I'm not sure if that's because its Jackson or if she had more time to get used to the idea. Either way, I'm grateful that the only conflict about leaving her is in my own head. I can ignore myself a lot easier than I can her.

I sit in the living room and wait for Jackson. He already saw the terrible conditions where I live, the state of the house and the surrounding neighborhood. I didn't want him to see it but there was no way I could talk him out of driving me.

And then he felt me flinch.

I was terrified to say anything. He didn't press me for details but when he asked me if I was safe, I couldn't hold back the tears. Has anyone ever asked? Or cared? I spend so much time working to be unseen that I wonder if I've become invisible to everyone.

But Jackson sees me.

Something about him disarms me. I can't hold back or remember my role when he's around. I almost blurted the secrets I've held close for so long and even though Jackson wouldn't judge me, he would understand the position I've been in my entire life...I'm afraid of what his reaction would be if he knew everything. And even though I begged him to forget what I said, I know he won't.

I can't worry about that now. I made the decision to put it out of mind like I do so much else. Something tells me Jackson will circle back to it eventually.