"do you... trust me?" it's a low whisper, the king's soft lips pressed against the stuttering pulse in your throat. but you think, or maybe you hope, the implications are trying to delve much deeper into your heart. regardless, your answer has never...
a/n: look at the date! this drabble takes place after Beom-su and her father were banished from the palace.
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"Would you really have let him go?"
Across the small table in the middle of the pavilion, Queen Jeonghui tips the pot with her right hand, pouring steaming tea into your cup as if her question is a perfectly natural one to be asking an uinyeo about her own son, the king of the country.
"Um." You take the cup in both hands, pressing your palms against the warming ceramic even though the day is sweltering. You should probably feign some ignorance as to what she's implying. Yes, that'd be the sane thing to do. But no excuse comes to your mind and the queen continues to smile at you, expectantly.
"Go on, dear." Though her tone is kind, you know it invites no argument.
You grip the cup tighter. "Well... I... I would have no other choice but to do so. I'm aware of this. I've always been aware of this. Letting go is not something for me to decide. If Beom-su and jeonha had married..." You shake your head. "I would have been happy for him." Perhaps if you say it enough times it will become reality.
"Really?" Queen Jeonghui's smile remains unchanged. "Is that the truth?"
It must be, you think, though you cannot bring yourself to vocalize it. Anything you might say has no greater chance of convincing the perceptive queen. She has always known you almost as well as your own mother. And you've grown closer in these past years, as she never forgets to extend these invitations for tea whenever she is able.
Queen Jeonghui takes a long sip from her cup. The epitome of elegance, she dabs at the corners of her mouth with a handkerchief after. "My dear. As I'm sure you have experienced for yourself, life is hard for us women. Whether it is within the palace walls or outside of them."
You nod.
"Why, then, must we make it even harder on ourselves?" Her clever eyes flicker with rays of sunlight.
You stare into your tea, the surface still rippling from the wind. "I don't understand."
"The world is not so kind as to hand us our desires. If you want something, you must obtain it yourself. You must reach out and grab hold of it, no matter what obstacles you may face."
You want to frown, but manage to keep your face neutral. Isn't that simple for her to say? She, who was born into a yangban family. She who has always been so beautiful and so strong? All those years ago, when she lost her left arm, she made no complaints. Even now, she insists on attending the daily meetings even though she is left utterly exhausted by them by the end. The soothing medicinal drafts you mix for her help the pain, but not by much.
You could never hope to achieve even a fraction of her strength. You bite down on your lip.
"If you doubt me, I will remind you that I've seen the fruits of your hard work already." The queen smooths the handkerchief out on the table. "The physicians in the palace acknowledge your skills, though they loathe to admit it. Haven't they asked you the occasional question, when they find themselves clueless?"
"Sometimes. Rarely."
"But it still occurs. You know, your mother was the same way. She refused to let them slander her work. And in the end, she was the one who helped me deliver my precious son safely into this world."
Every word the queen says is suffused with a bittersweet fondness that sinks into your own heart as you think of Mother, remembering her constant warmth by your side. You miss her more often these days when you are lost, uncertain of your own actions but forced to push forward all the same. Sacrificing everything of yourself if it means you can remain in the king's proximity. She'd not approve of such things, you think.
But is the queen implying that there is another option, when you can see none?
You exhale a long breath.
"But what if what I want is too much?"
She shakes her head, her golden earring jangling softly with the movement. "In the end, we are all human. And we are all deserving of the same things. Friendship. Kindness. Love." She tucks her hand under her chin. "If you never try, there is never the possibility you might succeed."
You swallow those words, still uncertain if you can believe in them. Even though they come from the queen herself, you are afraid to let yourself go down that path, knowing you can never return if you do. If you give in to these feelings...
You reach for a sweet, stuffing it into your mouth. But it's chewed and gone too soon and you blurt out before you can stop yourself, "How did you know? Um, that is, about my..."
The queen laughs, a hearty sound that brings heat to your cheeks. "My dear, there was never any hiding of your true feelings. The eyes reveal everything. And there is no mistaking the affection in yours. I had the same glow, once." She casts her gaze out across the pond, at where the late king used to live. You think can see it now—that melting softness that you think you've caught from Yoongi before. "It was not always easy to be by my husband's side. But I have never regretted it."
The thought makes you smile, even as fears fester in your mind. You want to trust her. You wish you could. But even as you try to hold them still, your fingers tremble restlessly on your cup as the summer wind sweeps a scattering of fallen petals into rippling water.
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historical note: on Queen Jeonghui calling oc "dear" - since I prefer not to use Y/N, ___, etc. for reader's name and just generally avoid mentioning it, it's nearly impossible for me to convey the tone with which Queen Jeonghui would've been calling OC in this chapter. in Korean, she would be saying "[name]-yah/ah" depending on the ending syllable of the name. adding that suffix to the end of a name conveys closeness and intimacy between people. I've chosen to substitute it for "dear" to make things sound more natural in English. it's not an exact match, but it'll have to do!
