✅ A Dose of Humiliation

35. Admission

"They left something like that out and let you take one without making sure you understood first?"

"They thought I knew. After Lin's party. Apparently somebody explained it to me there and I had one anyway. But spilled most of it, I was too drunk to even remember. This stuff called Skim."

"I heard of that," Elspeth volunteered. "Kind of assumed it would come as tabs, not something I'd want to try. But damn, you know how to pick stupid things to do."

"Yeah." How could I deny it, in the circumstances?

"And you had one today as well. And then you couldn't help yourself. Right?"

"Yeah. I mean... I was so stressed. I automatically reached for the booze, and caught myself at the last second. Didn't want to be seen having so little self control, I grabbed the only other thing I could have been reaching for. Didn't connect the dots in my head until it was too late. So that's three times now I've had that stuff, and gotten so close to... giving myself to him, with a bunch of people I barely know watching or pawing at me. I feel like a... I don't even know the words. But it's not something good."

"It's not you," Elspeth reassured me, then Jodie took over: "That drug made you do some things you regret, I guess that one reduces your inhibitions too. And the fancy chemicals your parents put in your brain tricked you into taking it. That's something you'd never do on your own, so it's not your fault."

"But it is," I said. "I tell myself the booze isn't my fault, it's the Punishment Pill making me drink. But this is different. I think I like it. I mean... damn, I should never have touched the stuff. But I can see why people do it. If I could have a swig of that stuff with somebody... if there was somebody I was actually that close to... I would do it. That's what's getting me. I actually want to do something that would justify the way my parents treated me. I don't deserve their trust."

It was quiet then. All my friends didn't know what to say, I was sure.

"But taking that stuff because it's there, that isn't you. Throwing yourself at him just because he's convenient. No. You would never do that. If you somehow found that you enjoy how that stuff makes you feel, you'd think about it a lot, about whether the risks and side effects are worth what you get out of it. And then you'd organise some time to try it when you know the only person there, or people I guess, are people you trust to see you like that. People you want to do that stuff with. And right now... You're losing control, Lorna. So if you really want to do that thing, you have to tell us first. If you can tell us that you like it when you're fully sober, and when you can make a plan to do it safely, then we'll trust you with that. But when you pick it up without thinking, and say it's fine while you're under the influence, I don't trust that."

"I know what I want!" I snapped. Nobody else spoke. I was sure Jodie had been expecting that response, and the others might not have been so sure that this was something I would touch in any circumstances. I had to make them understand. "I mean... I can see why you're worried. I'd say the same. But I know this isn't just the drug, it's something that really feels good to me. And that's something I never thought of, so does that mean it's not me? Or does it mean I'm growing? It doesn't stop you remembering like alcohol, there's no hangover, and it really does feel great. But I'm never going to do it again. Not because I don't want to. I do want it, and that makes it harder. This is something I want very much, but I have to tell myself no. And I hate that I know now how it feels, because that means I'm always going to miss it."

"Maybe when you're older?" Elspeth said. "I mean it's not like I can say I understand. But someday you're going to have a husband, and maybe you'll want kids and have no luck, and then you'll be able to get that stuff on prescription. Maybe it's not the same, but it can be the next best thing. And you should never feel embarrassed by what you want."

"Thanks," I said, and I knew my friends were on my side. Even when they took my hand to make sure I didn't escape again, and took me to the attendance office where I was told that I had a mandated punishment for my absence. Even when Nikki walked me to the nurse's office, carrying a letter from the office to say that I was to have three days added to my sentence for intoxication and absence.

I didn't need to roll up my sleeve or anything. The nurse pressed the injector against the fat on my upper arm, and pressed the button. I felt that pressure spreading through my body; already becoming a familiar feeling. And I knew that this was going to be my life now. Nikki admonished me like a strict parent, like she was really angry at me for skipping class. I hated that I'd put my friends on the spot like that; having them abandon their own classes to track me down. But at the same time, I knew this was partly an act. Nikki wasn't angry, she was worried about me. And she only said such hurtful things because she cared about me. Because she was determined to do whatever it took to help me remember who I was.

"Thank you," I said when the lecture was finished. I didn't know if it would really help; if being told off or humiliated would help the chemicals in my brain to focus on the actual behaviour that I wanted to keep from forming a habit. But at this point I was willing to try anything, and I was sure that Nikki was glad to see that I still understood.

Now, the only problem was finishing the school day while I was too horny to think clearly.