fragile | clexa

chapter forty two

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The day of the surgery got closer and when it was there, Clarke was quite sure she only got down her breakfast by holding Lexa's hand.

She held Lexa's hand on the way to the healers tent too, and downing her pre-medicine and then finally when she got an injection to keep her unconscious for the duration of the surgery.

Lexa had to leave the section of the tent for that time and she had probably never been so anxious. If Clarke would never walk again, it would be her fault, after all. She was the one who suggested it, motivated Clarke to do it, made the appointment. Lexa knew then already that she would never regret anything worse.

About two or three hours later, she was called into the tent. Clarke was lying on her stomach still, her back covered by a blanket and Lexa expectedly, nervously looked at the healers.

"We don't know yet," was all she got to hear. "She's just waking up, she still has to pass the test. We just thought you'd like to be here for her when she wakes up."

Lexa absentmindly nodded and sat on the chair next to Clarke's surgery bed. It took five minutes at least until Clarke's eyes were properly opened and she was fully conscious. When she was, her hand immediately searched for Lexa's to hold.

"Clarke? How are you feeling? How are your legs?"

Clarke didn't reply, but Lexa supposed it was quite enough of an answer when tears pushed past her still somewhat dizzy eyes.

"It's okay," she whispered after a minute of taking it in, a minute of absolute silence, although she knew herself nothing was okay. "I'm here," she added and squeezed Clarke's hand softly. "I'm here."

Then she turned to the healers. "She's awake. Do your tests."

Hesitantly, the friend of Nyko nodded and held a small knife over the flame of the closest candle. He held the hot metal right on the skin of Clarke's calf and waited.

No reaction.

"Clarke, do you feel anything?" he asked, his deep, warm voice filling the tent.

Only more tears.

A healer that wore about the same expression as Skit's, Nyko's friend, went to grab a needle. Lexa only noticed it was the first healer Clarke had met in TonDC in the very back of her mind.

The needle pushed into Clarke's other calf, drawing blood. "Do you feel anything?"

The tears were now marking Clarke's face with red spots and streaks. No matter where on Clarke's legs it was attempted, Clarke didn't respond to the questions of 'do you feel something' with anything but tears. When she was asked to lift her legs a bit, they didn't move. Just to make sure that it wasn't the medicine, she was asked to move her arms, her hands.

For a moment, Lexa hoped they wouldn't move, already forgetting that she was holding Clarke's very moving and alive hand. As to be expected, her hopes lasted about ten seconds before being crushed in the most hurtful manner.

All four healers that were present in the tent were dead quiet by the end of their test. "We um- might try again tomorrow," one said carefully. Skit shook his head.

"If she feels nothing now, that won't change tomorrow," he said sincerely and Lexa saw it in four pairs of eyes that they were expecting her to imprison them now, to execute them, whatever the past Hedas would probably have done after a failed surgery like that. Lexa just nodded once, got up and asked the healers to transport Clarke to her tent if it was yet possible.

She swore to herself as soon as she left the healers tent that she would never look Clarke into the eyes again.

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