✅ A Dose of Humiliation

32. The Perfect Guy

"Sometimes I wonder if he realises I didn't save him," I said. "I mean, I did first aid. But working out that Todd isn't an early riser was all on him. He'd have done just as well without me interfering."

"Yeah. But it's not gratitude that makes him like you so much. I think that's just chemistry."

"I..." I started, and then didn't know where to go with that sentence. Her comment had come out of nowhere, and I hadn't even thought about a sane response. "You think he likes me? Like... you know..."

"Looks pretty clear to me. And the way you're gasping now, I think I know why you're the only one that doesn't see it. You're so busy denying your own feelings, you didn't even think about his. Right?"

"No! I never even... That's not something I can think about now. I mean, he's talented, and when I got the first shot I was desperate to get out of the house before everybody woke up, and he's an early bird. I mean... just because I can admire a guy who's got talent, that doesn't mean..."

"Keep digging. You'll get there eventually."

"No, it's not the same thing. Like, when Josh was hitting on me I could feel my own need. I got so close before I remembered my self control. I never had anything like those feelings with Clint."

"Because Josh is just the drugs. He's kind of cute, he's a bad boy, and he makes no secret that he wants you. That's pure lust, the kind of thing you'd never be dumb enough to fall for. I'm pretty confident now we've talked more that you're so glad he couldn't get it up at Lin's party. And you'd end up regretting it if you gave in to him. But with Clint, well... you're nervous around him, you laugh at his jokes even when they're lame, and you're making excuses why you want to spend time with him. That's a very different kind of attraction."

I didn't say anything then, but I knew those words would be circling around in my head for the rest of the day. Whether they were true or not, now I'd thought about it I couldn't stop imagining how it might feel. And I knew that as guys go, I could do a lot worse than Clint Walsh.

He was already practising when we reached the skate park, probably fifteen minutes earlier than I could have gotten there on foot. But for a change he wasn't alone; there was a more experienced skater giving him some pointers. I watched them in silent awe for several minutes, waiting for a natural break in the action before I called out a compliment. And then the other boy turned around, and I saw his face.

Josh Eversen.

"Hey!" he called. "Didn't know you were into skating." I mumbled something in response, but even I wasn't sure what words were actually behind the confused sound.

"Well, I heard Walsh was trying to get better, and that's something I can respect," he said, presumably guessing at the most likely thing I could be asking. Maybe I would have shown up sooner if I realised you two were his groupies."

"I'm not... I... It's not like that. I just like watching. I mean..."

"Relax. We've barely had a chance to talk the last few days, have we? But that's no reason to get all choked up. Is it?"

"No," I finally got my act together. But Serena's comparison of my feelings for these two guys had put different thoughts in my mind, and now when I saw Josh congratulating Clint and giving him a pat on the back, the mental images in my mind were like nothing that could ever happen in the real world. "I've been meaning to talk to you, it's just..."

"I think we need to head to school soon anyhow. So hows about I give you a ride, we can talk on the way there. Yeah?"

"Yeah," I nodded, still a little nervous. Accepting a lift should be easy enough; he might be a rebel, but he wasn't going to drink while he was driving, was he? And on the way to school, there would be little enough time for anything I might regret. I was just going to tell him about the Refine shot, and admit that I was trying to override my wild impulses now I knew that it had never really been my choice. I'd tell him that I was trying not to drink, and that I had no intention of going any further than I already had in my pursuit of uncontrolled lust. It might be embarrassing to say, but he seemed like a nice guy. And once he knew, I was sure he would help me as much as any of my other friends.

So I waved to Serena and Clint as they drove away, and then climbed into the passenger side of a somewhat more understated sportscar.

"Just want to clear the air?" Josh asked, climbing in and popping open the glove compartment to reveal a freshly chilled flask.

"Something like that," I answered, and took a small sip to cover my nerves. To my relief Josh made no move to take the flask from me. If he started drinking and driving, I would have had to stop trusting me. Instead I knew that the flask was just a way to distract myself from thinking, or to put off the moment where I would have to admit how weak I was in the face of my parents' intervention. That was something I didn't want to talk about at all, but I'd already learned that sharing the truth was the best way to change it. And a little sip of tequila could only make it easier to find the words I needed without getting nervous.

I was still in control, I told myself, and I completely understood what I was doing now.