Exotic

~ epilogue one: seasons ~

JULY

We took Mum's ashes to the coast, early in the morning on her birthday. Reece bought a stack of CDs, and we left the doors of his truck open so the music filled the air as we staggered over the dune, bare toes gripping uselessly at the sand. All her favourites, low bass and wailing lyrics, drifting down after us.

I held her urn tight to my chest as we surveyed the deserted beach. Come On Eileen was playing, and I began to drum nervously against the lid. I was pretty sure dumping remains was illegal on public beaches, though I doubted anyone would say something if they came across the sight we made.

"Want to say something?" I asked him as the sun created the horizon. It created a staircase of light in the ocean.

Reece rubbed his chin and cast his eyes down. "Yeah. Yeah... I should, shouldn't I?"

"Only if you want."

Reece nodded slowly, shoulders hunched. I offered him the urn. He didn't take it but placed a hand heavily on the lid.

"G'day Grace," he began weakly, thumb tracing circles absentmindedly on the rim. "I tried to be funny in your eulogy and that went down like a fart in church so... just want to say goodbye now. Just want to say I love you. Just..."

His voice cracked slightly, and I knew his eyes weren't red from the blistering cold.

"... really wish you were here. So much," he continued, jaw quivering. He patted the urn and blew out an unsteady breath. "Happy birthday, Gracie."

Reece wiped his nose on his collar, and I didn't know what I was supposed to do if he started crying. In the past, I would have overcomplicated his response into crocodile tears, even though there was no one around. I'd learned a lot about Reece from the day I'd decided to stay. The biggest advance we'd made was me accepting that he missed my mum as desperately as I did. I liked sharing the memory of her with someone who'd known as much of her as I did.

We stood side by side on the beach we used to have Boxing Day lunch on, and Mum was cradled in my arms and the skyline was painted in colour. And I wouldn't have felt out of place taking his hand, but I didn't, not yet.

"Fifty years young," I told Mum's urn. "I thought you might want to stretch your legs."

Reece snorted, but it broke into a sob almost immediately.

"Wish you were here. Wish I could hug you. Wish I could just talk to you again," I worried at my bottom lip with my teeth. "Wish you could see that we're doing alright. Really."

The sun was like molten gold in the spectrum of the sky.

"Wish I'd written something down," I unscrewed the lid of the urn and dropped it in the sand. "And I'm sure I'm forgetting something. I'll come back and tell you when I remember."

With tears finally breaking the floodgates and streaming down my cheeks, I took a handful of her and scattered her to the wind. It picked up and carried her into the sunrise.

"I love you!" I called after her. "I love you forever!"

Reece took a handful and let her slip through his fingers. We moved to the sea so the parts of her that didn't get picked up by the wind fell into the ocean and got washed away across the world. The earth was ninety-nine percent water, and I wanted her to keep travelling forever. Exploring every intimate corner of the world she hadn't had the chance to see.

There was a lot of Mum to scatter. Once the urn was empty, washed in the saltwater so none of her was left trapped in that dark metal cylinder, we sat on the dunes as the early surfers arrived in their wetsuits. The front of my shirt clung to my collar, wet with tears. Reece tapped his palm against his knee to the rhythm of Valarie.