Sanity // s.m. [IN EDITING]

[4]

"Shawn.. I didn't mean to. I really, really truly didn't mean to. But.. okay, I don't know if you were ever aware of this, but, a little less than four years ago I was in a car accident on my way to work. I broke my foot and cracked my head open. See," she turns around and lifts her hair, revealing a thick pink scar on her hairline, "they had to sew it back together. I was in the hospital for three weeks."

I gasp, my round eyes widening at the sight. "Why didn't you tell me about any of this?"

"I was getting to that," she responds. She clears her throat. "So anyways, I lost some of my memory the first few days. It was scary, waking up and not knowing where or who I was. But when it all came back, you, you hit me like lightning.

"All I could remember about you were the things that made it easy for me to leave. Not that it was easy. But I had to have some sort of oomph. It was like a refreshing of the mind, like, I'd become so used to the mess that was us that I hadn't been able to view it for the first time until then. And when I did, I just couldn't call you again. I couldn't talk to you. It was just too hard."

I stand there, wide-eyed, my breath shaky.

Everything she just said was sinking in. Tearing me apart, not all at once, but piece by piece. And I thought I was over her, but it hurt so much to hear her say this.

It reminded me of the many girls I was with after Elliot, trying to relieve myself. I would wake up in the morning and slide out of their arms and slip on my clothes and run out the door, afraid of commitment.

Is that what I was to Elliot?

A "two-year stand"?

Someone she just wanted to have fun with and then leave?

"I'm sorry, what? You mean you just wanted to get away?"

"Shawn, I. . ."

"No, I wasn't asking. I told you it doesn't matter."

"You deserve to know," she argues, "Because while I was here getting comforted by all kinds of people, when I didn't even need the comfort, you were home. With no one. I wasn't there for you back then and I left without an explanation and you deserve one now, okay? So let me explain. But can we get some coffee first? I usually get some around this time. It'll keep me alert."

"Fine," I nod, realizing I had no choice on if I get an explanation or not. I guess I did want one, I've wanted one for years. But now that it's right in front of me, I know that it might be too painful. All she did was casually mention that we were a mess and that was already too much to handle.

*

"I really did love you. That part was true."

Seems like an okay sentence to start out with.

"But things got so complicated," she continues slowly, "I really wanted to achieve my dreams. But after I met you, I realized my real dreams were you. The problem was, when I met you, I had a story to paint. I had something to write about. And I fell right back in love with art."

"And out of love with me," I mutter, but when I realize she heard me I close my eyes and shake my head quickly.

"Go on," I whisper.

"Okay, so, that night before I left, it was the most magical night. Not a single second was ever wasted that night. I remember when I was laying on top of your chest and you were. . . you were kissing my jaw, and I remember thinking, God, I am so in love. And then you said.. "

She pauses for so long I wonder if she remembers what I said. She swallows and her eyes start to fill up.

"Forever, okay?"

At the sound of her voice cracking and my gut wrenching I can't help but cry a little too. I missed her so much.

She takes a deep breath, her eyes turning red, "and I said, 'forever'. I said it. It rolled off my tongue. I meant it-- I really did --but at the same time I couldn't mean it. Everything was already planned out, I was really going. I couldn't just, I mean I wanted to, but I couldn't stay."

"I loved you more than anything, Elle. I gave you everything. You repaid me like that?"

I hated the way she just deflated. I felt like such a monster. But I couldn't help it.

"You have no reason to forgive me," she says quietly, wrapping her fingers around her coffee, "But I am so sorry. I'm so so sorry."

I sigh.

"I want to say it's okay, but -"

"But you shouldn't. You shouldn't. I don't even know why I'm trying to get you to. I guess I just was hoping that I could patch up this rough end. But I can't. I'm sorry, Shawn, but I can't stay. I don't feel very welcomed and I don't deserve to hang out with you after all that's happened. I'm sorry."

As she stands up and grabs her coffee cup, slinging her bag over her shoulder, I freak out.

She places her hand on top of mine.

Our eyes meet.

"It was really great to see you," she says, before she smiles the slightest bit and it fades quickly. Then she walks out the door.

I freeze, my mind racing.

"Wait -"

I finally jump up and run after her, but by the time I make it out onto the street, she was already gone.

I lost her again.

***