ᴏᴀᴋʟᴇʏ ᴄᴀʀʀɪʟʟᴏ was discovered at fourteen years old, being praised as a musical prodigy by the media ever since. His fame had only increased until now. At nineteen old, he's the most remarkable musician of his age, and he's only getting started. At...
Maybe I was being ridiculous for all this, but I didn't feel comfortable whenever he was a round. "I forgot about that at the restaurant the other day," he said. His voice was low, and he looked me deeply in the eyes as he said those words. I didn't know what to say.
"Why?" I asked him, relaxing the muscles in my hands a little bit.
I watched him visibly searching for words. He was looking around the trailer as though the objects could determine what expressions to use.
"I've been thinking about it and there were some things I did which I think are still bothering you."
I was quiet, listening to what he had to say.
"I think I sent you some mixed signals," he said. "I think that might've confused you. I don't think you're mad at me, but rather at yourself. I thought it might help for you to get it all out of your system."
There was a silence that followed. He chuckled right when the silence became awkward. "I want you to tell me what I did and how it made you feel."
Another silence followed, because I simply didn't know the answer.
"Do you not feel comfortable telling me?" he asked, but he didn't wait for an answer. He locked the door behind him, a little surge of panic washing over me. "We're alone. Just you and me, the way it used to be."
"I don't know, Kylan..."
"You know very well what's bothering you."
"You led me on," I said. That was it. Was that the thing nothing me this entire time?
He had seemingly expected this answer, and he nodded slowly. "Do you know why you feel this way?"
"Gee, I don't know, maybe because you would make out with me like every other day? And then when I even as much as tried to hug you, you'd call me slurs."
"That's not it," he said.
"What?"
"That's not it," he repeated. "You liked me, and you'd never had anyone not kissing your ass before. You expected things from me I couldn't give you."
My initial reaction was to laugh. He couldn't be serious. My laughter died down the second he continued talking, though.
"Everyone could tell you had a thing for me, and that it bothered me more than anything."
"Then why..."
"Look," he interrupted me. "I didn't come here to start something," he said, crossing his arms. "I wanted to help you figure yourself out."
"You're not a therapist, Kylan. I know myself."
He pulled a sad face, like feigned empathy. I knew not to trust a word coming from his mouth, but somehow he still had be doubting my own instincts.
"I was hoping that what happened between us would be a learning moment for you."
"God, just shut up, Kylan. I'm not fifteen anymore. You're ashamed of yourself. This has nothing to do with me. I was the one who broke things off between us because I came to my senses and realized you're a pathetic fucking closet case, alright? Just stay out of my way."
The silence in the trailer was loud, and the air was suffocating. I couldn't look Kylan in the eyes anymore.
"You didn't have to project your insecurities onto me," he said.
"Fuck you," I said, heading for the door. I didn't get any closer than an arm's length, though, because he was once again blocking the door. "Get out of my way," I said, my eyes fixed on my feet. He didn't move out of the way. He actually leaned against the door, making it only more difficult for me to leave.
"You're the only one who knows," he said. "What, you're gonna use it against me now?"
"I'm not outing you, if that's what you're worried about. I'm not the asshole here."
"You're the only one I can talk to about this," he said. "My life has been absolute fucking hell since you left. It's like you didn't even care." His voice cracked at the very last syllable. "If you come out, no one would even dare to mess with you. Your parents are feared, Nolan. If I even make the slightest slip up, my career is over. My siblings won't have food on the table and I'll be broke. And now I'm the bad guy for trying to hide the one part of me that could fuck all this up?"
"I didn't say that"
"You implied it," he said, quickly following my words. "Did you never think that maybe I pushed you away because I was scared? Or maybe I was just annoyed with you talking about how your parents split up like that doesn't happen to half the population. God, you're so selfish."
"I—"
"I should've never tried to reason with you."
I shut my eyes. "I'm sorry."
The words slipped out like I'd said them a million times before.
"You are?" he asked, his tone lightening up. Like his anger had disappeared in an instant.
"Yeah," I mumbled, scratching at my wrist. "I'm sorry."
"Me too," he said. "I didn't mean to make you paranoid about that too. But I mean, maybe it's better this way. Like, I don't think you'd be much of a selling point anymore if people found out you're gay. I meant it when I said it's better to keep it to yourself. It'll be our little secret, alright?"
I didn't know what it was about those words that made my heartbeat speed up exponentially, but I knew it wasn't a good feeling. I wanted to get away from here as soon as possible.
"I should go finish my lunch," I mumbled toward my feet.
"Yeah of course," he said, finally stepping aside so I could go.
I hadn't realized how hard it'd been to breathe until I left and I could feel a light breeze go through my hair, and I could feel the sun burning my skin again.
"Hey," Maria said, catching up with me. "You good?"
"I'm fine," I said, looking back at the trailer. I didn't even get the sandwich I'd already started, but I didn't want to go back for it either. "I'm just really hungry so I'm gonna have some lunch."
"Okay," she said. "We could have lunch together if you want."
"Sure," I said, knowing very well I'd rather be alone right now. "I'll be right there," I told her, rushing my way to my own trailer and this time locking the door behind me.
I took a deep breath. A few of them, before I decided that sitting in silence on my own would only give my mind the room to think again. So I grabbed my phone and left my trailer again, making my way back to the lunch tables.
At the table, despite many efforts of mainly Maria to talk, I had my face stuck on my phone.
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| AUTHOR'S NOTE
I finally figured out what I didn't like about this version so I changed it again 🤩 (sorry).
Nolan on his phone under a private Reddit account during lunch: "AITA for telling my ex his self-hatred is not my problem?"
