Sorry | Murphamy AU | vol.1

Ch.49 - Trigger

//trigger warning.

Murphy P.o.v

"Can't I just tell them the truth?" I ask Bellamy, in assembly while they talk about Jake's disappearance on the first day back from break. Bell, sighs, and shakes his head, and I lean onto his shoulder, already bored out of my mind. I'm already getting excited for Miami, even though it is a good month and a bit away. 

My therapist, is on vacation for the next three weeks, so Bellamy's parents had advised for me to see the guidance councillor at school for the time being. I pick a class that I really don't want to go to today, and when math rolls around, I go to see her. 

"Hello, John. What brings you here?" the tall, middle-aged woman asks, as I sit down on the couch in front of her. "I'm kinda fucked up and my therapist is away." I state, and she sighs. "Well, coming to see me is a great first step to getting better." she tells me and I scoff. "I'm doing this because of Bellamy, not cause I want to." I tell her and she widens her eyes. "Bellamy Blake?" she asks and I nod. "So you're John Murphy." she smiles and I give her a questioning look. "Does he come here often?" I ask, this sounding like news to me. She shakes her head, "No, no. I haven't seen him in a good 7 years." she says, talking as if it's been a century. "He talked about me?" I ask, thinking back to grade five remembering that it was pretty shitty year. She nods. "You're actually why he came to see me in the first place." she informs. She probably upgraded from elementary to high school. I'm hearing this information and for the first time, and I find it interesting. "Why? I didn't do anything to him." I tell her and she sighs. "Actually, if I remember correctly, he was here because he felt guilty." she tells me. Bellamy, had told me that he'd just forgotten about me. Bullshit, he stopped cause he, felt guilty. 

"Has he started hurting you again? You should have come sooner," she tells me with an apologetic smile, "I can talk to him if you want." she suggests and I shake my head, vigourously. "No, I'm not here because of him. I'm here because he wants me to be." I tell her and she looks confused. "So he's not your bully, anymore?" she asks in relief and I scoff, holding up my hand. "Fiancée, actually." I tell her, grinning. "Well, that's something you don't see everyday, congratulations." she tells me, and I thank her. 

"Anyways, why are you here?" she asks and I bite the inside of my cheek. "I have depression and anxiety, and it's really hard to control it sometimes." I admit, picking my nails. "Do you have an example?" she asks and I scoff. "I punch a hole in the gym wall..." I tell her and she sighs. "That was you..." she states and I nod. "How did your parents react?" she asks and I can't help but let out a laugh. "Parents? What parents?" I ask, and she looks at me with confusion. "Where are they?" she asks. She's not a very good councillor. But it's to be expected at a crap public school like this. "Six feet under." I state and she looks at me with pity. "I'm so sorry." she gives me her condolences. "Don't be. They were shit anyways." I state, not looking up to see her reaction. I pick and my nails, then my cuticles. "Did you have a poor childhood?" she asks, and right now, I'd rather be in math. "Yes." I state and she nods. 

We talk well into fifth period. I didn't care much, it's just history. After a few more questions, I started getting worried. "You don't believe that Bellamy loves you?" she asks and I shake my head. "Why not?" she asks and I shrug. "He proposed to you, and after everything you've told me, it seems like does." she tells me and I shrug again, not knowing what to tell her. "Do you think the reason you can't except his love, is because you know it's worth more than you?" she asks, and I feel everything in me disappear. I feel any self esteem I have, leave my body. I don't feel like crying, and I don't feel like punching something. I just feel... emptied.

I get up and off the couch, leaving her office and ignoring her questions. I always thought of myself as worthless, but having someone other than my mom, tell me... it just makes it all the more true.