down in the dms

.074

maliah

"i'm hoping this email comes in sooner rather then later. it's been almost a week since they said they'd let me know." i turned around to see kyra putting baby ayla down as she walked towards her toys. "you know how big this would be for me."

kyra ended up moving in with me so we were basically roommates. i asked her if she could move in with me around the time when the incident happened just so she could help me out with the baby and just be there for me in general because honestly i was a mess and without her, i don't know what would've happened. i truly did adore her and will pay her back in the long run for everything she's done for me.

it's been two years since the incident with me and nick. things were definitely hard in the beginning. when i learned about what happened, i lost myself, i can admit that even when i didn't want to. my self esteem dropped. i felt like i didn't satisfy him or anyone. i felt like i could've done something better. over the years of healing, i learned it wasn't my fault. i couldn't have prevented it from stopping. i did the best i could when it came to nick. loving him, protecting him, etc. i did the damn best i could do but unfortunately it wasn't enough. i'm not mad at him anymore.

we're coparenting at the moment and are back to being just friends, sometimes it gets to being more then that but we know our boundaries. we never cross any lines that don't want to be crossed. he respects my desicions. nick has been doing great.

he did get depressed after everything happened. i helped him along the way because i know how depression works. my postpartum depression really did its work on me but i wouldn't change a thing. he's dropped multiple singles and an album and had went on tour. i'm proud of him. our relationship has been great, like i said we're just friends, but i know nick wants to try again, i know because of previous moments with each other, he has told me.

"girl, you're going to get it, trust me. if they said they'll email you by today, you're going to get that email." kyra responded as she took a sip of her water. "i mean they'd be dumb to not take up on you miss girl."

"i hope so. i just have to figure out how i'm going to let nick know, i honestly have no clue how he's going to feel about the idea of me possibly moving." i sighed as she shook her head and shrugged.

"mal, girl, come on. we both know that man has money, he'll be able to take a plane to go see you guys anytime he wants. it's not that hard for him. knowing him and how he's still absolutely in love with you, he'll even try to move to where you'll be just to be closer to you guys." kyra replied as i stared at her. she was right, nick was still in love with me and would do something like that, but that's exactly what im worried about.

i'm not sure if i can handle nick moving with us to be closer. don't get me wrong, i absolutely love nick with my entire heart. he is the father of my child. the other half who helped me bring another life into this world. i just don't think i can be with him again, i'm not a hundred percent sure or maybe it's just something in my head holding me back because maybe we can work things out. obviously it won't be a walk in the park. i'm so confused with what i want and i have to figure it out quickly. kyra stood up as she came towards me.

"babe, it'll be alright. you have to do what's best for you and kayla. she's small, she still doesn't understand what's happening as long as you're there to protect her and guide her and keep her happy and healthy. nick is going to be fine. he can put his big boy underwears on and get over it." she said as she rested her hands on my shoulders. i chuckled and gave her a small smile before nodding.