Leave, Before You Love Me

Chapter Twenty

"Aren't you scared to get hurt by me?"

"Every day," I say shyly.

Mason grabs my face between his large hands, his thumbs smoothing the concern I know is etched over my face. "Ros," He sounds gutted.

"You asked," I tell him frankly.

"I know," His face tells me he wish he hadn't asked. "I didn't realize you thought about this so much." Continuing to look ashamed of himself.

"What do you want from me?" I ask brazenly. Before making any decision about Mason, I want to hear his expectations.

I surprise him with my question; bold isn't my strong suit, but I'm glad I've caught him off guard. He sits back on his heels, releasing his hold; he rests his palms face down on his thighs. "I haven't thought about it." He tells me, and I know he is lying.

"Bullshit."

"I don't know what you want me to say, Roslyn," He focuses solely on picking a piece of lint from his pants then puts his hands on his legs. "I haven't."

"Am I just one of the many?" I ask him callously, and I can see I've hurt him.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He asks; his tone is ice cold as he flinches from my words.

"No," Standing my ground, I refuse to back down. "I've been honest with you tonight. But you're right; you haven't. You haven't been honest with me."

"I have been honest with you, Ros." He says solemnly, "You are just refusing to listen to me."

I sit in silence, hoping I haven't pushed him too far. But after weeks of this push and pull, I want him to tell me everything. I cross my arms over my chest and I sit back against the couch, raising my brows at him until he begins to speak.

"Roslyn," He murmurs, clenching his hands into fists, his eyes shut tightly. "You wouldn't understand." His words come out through gritted teeth, hissing.

"Try me," I reach over his fist and gently pry his hand open, clasping my fingers through his.

"It's complicated." He sighs but continues knowing that I won't let this go. "Being of the Muslim faith, there are many illicit things. Like dating or sex before marriage," He shakes his head at me, observing me, then adds, "I did a lot of fucked up things when I was younger. I partied and fucked around with girls. But when I went away to college," He swallows thickly. "Things changed. I focused more on my education, and that's where my head remains."

He searches my face for any signs of misunderstanding, but I sit there silently— waiting for him to continue. Mason holds my hand firmly, not wanting to release me. "Ros, I wasn't expecting any of this. I wasn't expecting you." He tells me softly, "You were a surprise to me."

I sit, chewing my lip in concentration, thinking about all he has shared with me. I question whether what I know of his past is true. Mason releases my lip from my teeth with his thumb, rubbing my swollen lip. Kneeling, he smiles at me and rests his forehead against mine.

"What's going on in there, Ros," he asks, his fingers tapping gently on my head.

"I was just thinking... I don't want to come between you, your studies— or your family," I promise him, trying to reassure him of that. "But I think we have already gone too far, Mason." I look guiltily at him, "I am just worried about everything you have said... You have never been in a relationship before?"

Mason pales at my question, swallowing deeply. "I shouldn't have let things go that far at the lake," he tells me, "Not that I didn't enjoy it, but it complicates things."